Dancing With Danger

My Tivo and/or cable has gone out mid-Law & Order: SVU. That is a dangerous time to be fucking around with my television viewing cabilities, my friend.


Song title: Dancing With Danger by Leslie Phillips

Volvo Driving Soccer Mom

I just about poo'd myself watching CBS's How I Met Your Mother this week when the focus was on making the decision to get pregnant for the first time. Enjoy this clip that makes me laugh even though I've watched it about 30 times now.

To give you a smidge of back story, Lily (Alyson Hannigan) is chatting with a friend/first-time mom with roughly a 6-month old baby boy (who is playing with Marshall, Lily's husband). Doesn't every mom feel like this on a daily basis?




Song title: Volvo Driving Soccer Mom by Everclear

Finale

Check out my Project Runway Season Finale Blog Post on my TiVo Junkie blog!


Song title: Finale by Anthrax

"And, boy, he went hog wild!"

**PROJECT RUNWAY SPOILER: In today's post, I feature photos of the Bryant Park shows of the designers - don't look below if you don't want to see the final designs before tonight's show!**


For you newcomers to the Hive, I write tv reviews every week on my tv blog: TiVo Junkie!


Project Runway - Finale Part 1
OMG, the Finale of Project Runway is tonight!! Holy crap balls, this season went quickly! Let's get prepped by reviewing last week's show and discussing how much we hate Kenley the pros/cons of each designer.

After last week's totally predictable shocking decision to keep all four designers, they were given $8000 to create a line for Bryant Park. But, surprise! There's more! They have to design a wedding gown too and it's the wedding gown that will make or break their path to the tents. Oh wait! Surprise again! Even though you already have to design an entire line AND a wedding gown, um, can you make us a bridesmaid dress too? Kthxbai.

The super lovable Tim Gunn drives his Saturn cross country (yeah, right) to visit the designers at home while they work on their designs:


Korto








Korto's designs get rave reviews from Tim, except for when in came to one particular dress' shape: Korto definitely wins the Best Tim Gunn Comment Contest: "It gets a little sexual. I don't want a snatch shot." Korto's designs are so ridiculously cute and wearable, it will pretty much drive me insane if she doesn't win. She has a pretty cohesive line with the textures and colors she uses and you can definitely feel that ethnic vibe she was going for. Everything is so classic and sophisticated; I would love to purchase a Korto design.

Her wedding dress, however, left much to be desired! When Tim visited her at home in Arkansas, it looked totally cool, but all that added boogaloo to the chestal (is so a word!) region in not pretty or flattering! The totally silhouette is so dumpy.

I think her bridesmaid dress was really underrated by the judges. Sure, it's so short you can practically see the model's babyhole, but I thought that it matched the gown (in a good way) and wasn't too competing. Hrmph.


Leanne











On Tim's visit to Portland (go Pacific Northwest! Woot! Woot!), they went on a tandem bike ride! You heard me. A tandem bike ride! Just when you think Tim can't top the "snatch shot", he dons a bike helmet! We also learn, upon Tim's arrival, that Leanne has a boyfriend who is just as homely and dowdy as she is. Seriously, Leanne. Would it hurt you to do your hair once while you are being featured on national television?! I'm sure the Treseme Hair Salon would gladly donated a brush and a curling iron to your cause. Okay, back to the fashion. Leanne's collection is by far the most cohesive. I also fear that it might be too cohesive? The color combinations are great and I love how structured yet nature-inspired everything is. I still can't wait to see the wave-skirts move on the runway.

Like her entire collection, the gown and bridesmaid dress compliment each other perfectly! I felt like Leanne's designs for last week's runway were the only ones that really complimented each other, didn't compete with each other, but you could see the theme there without it being overwhelming. Loving Leanne!




Kenley
Alrighty then. I should warn you now, if you are a Kenley fan, you are not welcome here! First of all, when Tim visits her in Brooklyn, she immediately starts being Kenley. Have you noticed that she never says "thank you" after a compliment? She always says "I know!" Uhg. How irritating! And then when she starts describing her Alice in Wonderland inspiration, Tim has to pretty much say "Yeah, I know the 'painting the roses reference, Kenley.' I'm not mentally retarded, you know!" I wonder if Tim Gunn is totally over Kenley by now. I know I would be. And I can't help but notice that Tim did all these extra-curricular activities with all the other designers but with Kenley he was in, told her what she wanted to hear, and was out like trout.

Kenley's designs for Bryant Park are (1) completely predictable, (2) not at all cohesive and (3) most importantly, ugly as poo. What the fuck is up with her disgusting grandma prints that she uses? And then the ropes around the neck? Nice. And, I'm sorry, but does she not look like she's having a stroke in this picture?

I could not handle that Kenley didn't get ripped open about how predictable and uncreative her wedding gown and bridesmaid dress were! Hi, if any one has seen Sex and the City, a feathery cocktail length dress is anything but creative. And seriously? A bubble skirt bridesmaid dress. Seen it! Sure, the judges mentioned the similarity between the wedding gown and another designers work, but I really wanted them to stop raving about it and start asking her why she did something so ridiculously expected.


Jerell









Well, Jerell's collection definitely reflect Jerell's style, but I'm not sure if that's good or bad. His designs are heavily inspired by a mixing of textures. The main problem I have with the clothes are how heavy they look. And the textures do not look good to me! I really like Jerell, but I feel like his collection is heavily Madonna's Like A Virgin inspired which pretty much makes me VIMMAL.

Man, I can't stand Jerell's wedding gown. Or Funeral Gown, is more appropriate since nothing says Wedding Gown like dirty gray tulle and heavy dark beading. I really don't think his bridesmaid dress is horrible, but I'm not a fan of the flower-sprouting-out-of-your-baby-feed-bags look. Unfortunately, the judges weren't big fans either and poor Jerell will not be accompanying the ladies to Bryant Park (at least for the main competition!)


But look who else apparently was at Bryant Park?! (Joe & Suede)

According to the photos on Bravotv.com, both Joe and Suede's collections, well, kind of suck. Any body else feel a little weird about how designers who were Auf'd get to show at Bryant Park anyway? I thought that was like the big goal? {shrug}

My favorite judges quote this week was far too long to be a post title:
"...But these wings over her boobs, plus then the jeweled boobs, plus then the jewels under the boobs, and then, of course, she's got a flower pot growing out of her head." ~ Michael Kors

More great quotes to come, I'm sure, during tonight's episode at 9 pm PST on Bravo!

Catch Up

OMG, I have so much to catch up on.
So, obviously, the biggest recent news is that we're now living in our new home. Here are a few shots of the view from the backyard on our first night here:
Despite the beautiful surroundings, the house looks like Hurricane Gustav hit it. Specifically, my kitchen. And my bedroom. And pretty much every other room in the house.

We met one of our neighbors on moving day. Yeah, awesome. Thanks for coming over on the day that I look like shit, haven't done my hair or makeup, and have been sweating from carrying boxes for hours.

They are a forty-something-ish couple with a 9-year-old little boy who Baby Bee is already giving googly eyes to. The mom seems pretty cool but the husband? What a piece of work! Almost directly after his wife introduced the both of them, he starts going on and on about the past owners and how they never stopped the gravel in the side yard from seeping on to their property, under the fence. Really though? That's your opener? Good job, doucher. The guy also starts spouting off about how our house was the first one built of Phase Two (his house was the last of Phase One), and, apparently, our house has the biggest lot on the street. Okay, cool for us. But this guy has "Keeping Up With The Jones'" seeping from his pores. Little does he know that we could give a shit. I assured him that we'd take care of the gravel asap. Or more like ASAIGAS (As Soon As I Give A Shit).

This week we're having the inside of the house painted so that when we invite the Friends over, they won't vomit from disgust/over-saturation of pukish green. Because of all the painting, Bee and I are banished to the master bedroom and the bonus room (aka: the only two rooms slightly baby proofed). But, of course, all the crap that needs to be unpacked and put away is in ALL THE OTHER ROOMS. Sigh. Is the painting done yet?

How about now?

Now?

Le sigh.

And to top it all off, I don't have cable and/or internet. Seriously fooked up. If you know me (or have read enough of this blog), you know that about 2 hours in to not having cable television or an internet connection, I was suffering from a bad case of the shakes. AND...all my goddamn responsible neighbors have security-enabled Wi-Fi. Bastards.

We should have it all hooked up by this evening if the cable guy decides to grace me with his presence. I've already warned my family that if, for any reason, said cable guy is unable to successfully provide both internet and cable television by this evening, some one will be punched in the Nards. Capitol N. Hey, cable dude? You've been warned.



Song title: Catch Up by Ludacris

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

The Olympic Motto is "Citius, Altius, Fortius," a Latin phrase meaning "Swifter, Higher, Stronger." The Olympic Creed states that...

"The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part, just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered but to have fought well."

To me, the Olympic Games are an opportunity for nations with different races, religions and politics to join together in bonds of patriotism and sportsmanship. With all of our differences, athletics and striving to be a champion in your individual specialty is something that bridges culture gaps and unites us.

What I didn't expect to see was a complete disregard for sportsmanship and, in some cases, blatant cheating. Now, don't get me wrong, obviously the majority of the athletes played with dignity and respect for their competitors and teammates. But here are just a few of the instances that I've read about or seen in the Olympic coverage:


Sweden
Sweden wrestler Ara Abrahamian left his bronze medal on the mats immediately after it was placed around his neck, protesting the officiating in his loss to Italy in the semifinals of the men's Greco-Roman wrestling event. He was subsequently stripped of the medal by the IOC.


China
Questions have been raised about the ages of not one, not two, but now FOUR of the 6 Chinese women gymnasts. This is due partly to the fact that they look like fetuses, but also on documents from past competitions found online.

Also, in Women's Beach Volleyball, the Chinese team was well-known for faking injuries in order to take medical time-outs when they were out of legitimate time-outs. While I know this is "legal" by game rules, it's just a bit too shady for my tastes. If you are getting your ass kicked, how about changing your strategy, not just abusing the rules to slow the game down?


Cuba
This story **shocked** me. Cuban Taekwondo athlete, Angel Matos lost the bronze medal match, after he incurred an injury in the fight and took a medical time-out. The referee ruled, while he was sitting awaiting medical attention, that he had taken too long during his time out and was therefore disqualified.

Matos' reaction? Well, he briefly argued with officials and then delivered a kick to the face of one of the referees, drawing blood from the referee's mouth, then pushed a judge and spat on the arena floor. The World Taekwondo Federation have since banned Matos and his coach for life from the sport.

The kicker (no pun intended) is that during the attacks the crowd watching the event chanted "Cuba" and applauded him and his coach. Stay classy, Cuba.


Brazil
Lastly, and this one really bugs me because I was a big Beach Volleyball fan this Olympics and watched almost all the matches, was Brazil's Men's Beach Volleyball team and fans. First of all, the Brazilian team were just those kind of athletes. You know, the kind that falsely accuse the other team of breaking rules, but then break the rules themselves and deny it to the end of the earth? Add to that their irritating hissy fits when something didn't go their way and delay of game penalties, and now we're talking some serious lack of sportsmanship.

But what really irritated me was the Brazilian fans in the crowd. For any of you that have never seen me at a sporting event, I am one of those fans. I'm belligerent. I scream. I call people funny and (usually) insulting names. And most of the time I'm not even drunk (yet).

But I would never do that at the Olympics! These fans were everything the Olympics are not. They even boo'd whenever the American team would serve. To me, that is so not Olympic Games behavior? Am I wrong? It just seems so against what the whole competition/event is about.

But anywho, I gotta go watch the closing ceremonies now. Hopefully all the fireworks won't be CGI this time around...


Song title: Respect by Aretha Franklin

Ain't That Cute

Toot toot

I don't want toot my own horn, but I just put up a new header at my tv website and it's really fucking cute. Check it out and let me know what you think!!

TiVo Junkie


Song title: Ain't That Cute by Aaron Carter

Don't Leave Me Long

As Seen On TV
Well, despite my mental retardedness, I finally got another site up and running. My new site is:

TiVo Junkie

It was finally time to separate my personal and, well, personal life. I figure "Tivo Junkie" will feature my television show reviews, while "Mom to Bee" will be devoted to everything else!

So check it out! Hopefully I'll have a bright and shiny new design soon. But don't leave me long! Mama Bee will miss you if you don't come back and visit!


Song title: Don't Leave Me Long by 77s

Recap - Project Runway

Project Runway - Welcome to the Jungle
Wow. Sorry it's taken me so long to post about PJ, guys. I'm struggling, unsuccessfully, to get a new website devoted strictly to my television reviews up and running. Yeah, it's not working so great. Apparently, I have no fucking clue when it comes to FTP and MIME and codes and directories and whatever. Basically the last few days have made me feel mentally retarded. What's new, right?

Any who, last week's PJ was inspired by the "hit" show Lipstick Jungle. Hit show? Really? Sex and the City knock-off is more like it.

And since when is Brooke Shields cool again? I mean, I was all about Suddenly Susan (and actually want to track down some episodes so I can watch some old school Kathy Griffin!) but lately? Come on, just 'cause the woman is in some Sarah Jessica knock-off and plays Hannah Montana's mom...What? I didn't know that she was on Hannah Montana. I mean, who's Hannah Montana, right? haha ::nervous laughter::

But I digress. On the runway, teams of two had to design a day-to-evening work outfit for the glamorous New York working woman. Shields, of course, was the guest judge. Here are the designs:

Terri and Suede
Okay, fer reals? I don't like this for so many reasons. The pants are fine, but a ruffly top? Off-the-shoulder, no less? I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Maybe it's because the pattern of the fabric gives me seizures.








Keith and Kenley
Okay, I don't think I can start talking about the outfit before first addressing what an apparent bitch Kenley is. Did you see her laughing at Daniel?! Okay, yes. Daniel is hopeless. But to stand on the runway, during the judging, and outright laugh at him?! Super bitch.

Oh, and that outfit is...well...interesting. I like what they were attempting but I'm not so sure about the Transformer sleeves. And what's with the neck adornments, guys?! Jesus Christ. Apparently it's worked for you this week, Keith. Bleh.


Korto and Joe
Loooove the jacket. I can't really remember what the shirt under it looked like but the skirt - ick. I am NOT a fan of flesh tone fabric. What's the point? The skirt pretty much could've been any other color of the rainbow and I would've loved this outfit.







Kelli and Daniel
Oh Daniel. Poor, sad, hopeless Daniel. PS to Kelli: animal prints are disgusting. Except for maybe the occasional zebra or giraffe print. Safari, yo!

But the construction of this outfit, I think, is was really brought it down. I suck some serious monkey balls on the sewing machine, y'all, and I could've made a better corset/tank top/whatever the hell that was. Blindfolded. With Baby Bee working the controls. Seriously.



Blayne and Leanne
Obviously, I am no design expert, but I totally loved what Blayne and Leanne did. Okay, what Blayne did. Because apparently Leanne is some hide-in-the-wall mousey girl. Grow a pair, Leanne! Jesus.

While it could've been dressier, I liked that he thought outside the box. Blayne's orange skin and bleached hair still do give me the creeps though...





Jerell and Stella
So I'm vomiting in my mouth a little even as I type this, but I think crazy-mini-hat-wearing Jerell and I-love-my-leathaa Stella made the best outfit! I seriously can't believe I'm saying this, but I think the pair really complimented each other. And I love what Stella did with the leathaa belt!







This Week
Winner: Keith - Eh, not my favorite but one of the top two for sure
Auf'd: Kelli - I think she was Auf'd before her time. Really think Daniel should have taken responsibility, even though the puke-in-my-mouth design was Kelli's idea

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

I've decided that since my television show reviews are cumbersome novels, they deserve a website/blog of their own! But now my problem is:

What the hell do I call it?

So I'm reaching out to you, my loyal Bee Hive, for inspiration! Help me come up with a concise yet witty title to my new blog. Something about television, addiction, TiVo, critic, etc.

Give me your best shot!


Song title: Hit Me With Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar

Recap - Shear Genius, Last Comic Standing, My Life on the D-List

Shear Genius - Every Dog Has It's Day
The Short Cut Challenge was to create unique, futuristic hairstyles using natural food ingredients found in the kitchen, such as honey, flour, salt, egg whites and peanut butter. I'm pretty sure this was the most disgusting thing they could've thought of, except for using maybe human feces or something. Squid in your hair. Vomit.

For the Elimination Challenge, the stylists were responsible for not only grooming a dog, but also to style their client's hair to resemble their dog. Both Mr. Bee and I (yes, somehow Mr. Bee was actually watching a hair cutting reality show with me) were laughing our asses off when Daniel put hair extensions on his dog client. Friggin' hysterical! Dee won the challenge, but I think it should've gone to Daniel for entertainment and creativity.
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Last Comic Standing - The Entire Season
This season of Last Comic Standing was not very impressive to me. Both Mr. Bee and I would get really irrate during the auditions when really funny comics somehow wouldn't make the cut, yet ridiculously UNFUNNY comics (and I use the term "comic" loosely here) would make it through, like Paul Foot:

And yes, your assumption that his ridiculously large eyebrows are the funniest thing about him is correct.

Apparently there was some controversy this season (and in seasons past) regarding the selection of comics. From Wikipedia:

Mark Breslin, owner of Yuk Yuk's comedy clubs which hosted the Toronto audition for season 6, described the audition process actually employed during those auditions. He explained that while anyone who wanted to could wait in line to audition, most would be berated and embarrassed by the panel of comedy "experts" (usually "celebrities" who either know nothing or have never performed stand-up, like "Oscar" from NBC's "The Office") and then dismissed after only one joke. In fact, top local agents are usually given a number of specific call times for their clients. The first round of auditions were for a producer early in the morning, and those that were chosen came back for the celebrity judges in the afternoon.

The other thing that sucked this season, besides the jokes, was how fast the season went. In one episode alone they eliminated 5 comics. After the worthless audition episodes, there were only four shows of the comics actually competing and performing sets.

Now I used to love this show, in the Josh Blue days, but if LCS doesn't start having funny comics (novel thought I know) and stop eliminating 12 people in one episode, but I could definitely cut it off my show list. In fact, I don't even know if it made it on to the list...
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Life on the D-List - What's Woz's Love Got To Do With It
Last week, Kathy hosted the Fur Ball, a Humane Society fundraiser, with Woz. It got super funny (and awkward) when Woz's first wife came to the table and was chatting it up with Woz. He didn't even introduce Kathy! I'd be pissed. Later Woz takes Kathy to a Segway polo match (really?!). I'm surprised with how easy a Segway looks to operate but I can't imagine it ever being a popular mode of transportation. At least not here in Washington, that's for sure. So after what I *think* was a couple months of courtship, Woz & Kathy's relationship ended. It didn't ever seem like they were really romantic, just kind of friends. And I don't blame Kathy for getting irritated that a billionairre was taking her out to Bob's Big Boy instead of Mr. Chow's!!

Recap - Burn Notice, Monk, Psych, In Plain Sight

*************************************************************************************Burn Notice - Scatter Point
I {heart} USA original programming. I really really do! This show has danger, adventure, love and a bunch of shit blowing up. What more could you ask for?

And what is it about Bruce Campbell? I know he's about 112 years older than me, but he's so damned charming and funny! I can't help but declare a mini TV-crush on Burn Notice's Sam Axe.
*************************************************************************************Monk -
On this week's episode, Monk finds out that he will be required to pass a police obstacle course to continue working with the San Francisco Police Department. He feels he is too over the hill and will never pass the SFPD physical, but gets the help of a professional boxer whose life is in jeopardy.

I love this show, but feel like this last season has been a bit of a disappointment. But this episode made up for all the lack luster ones before it! All I have to say is, "Grrr! I'm a beast!!"
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Psych - The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable
To be honest, I don't know if I have a bigger TV crush on Dule Hill or James Roday. I'll just compromise and fantasize about them both, together, with me...

Woah! Sorry about that (Mr. Bee)! I'm back.

As the title states, this week's episode was indeed the greatest adventure in the history of basic cable. And was totally hysterical. My favorite line: Well, there just are too many sweet one-liners from Psych to choose.

If you aren't watching this show, you are really missing out. I mean, seriously. Start watching. It will change your life...maybe not for the better.
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In Plain Sight - Stan By Me
I know, you're thinking, "Seriously, Mama? ANOTHER show?!" I know, it's not like a I need to add another show to my list, but this one is pretty good! The series revolves around Mary Shannon (Mary McCormack), a United States deputy marshal attached to the Federal witness protection program. Shannon deals with balancing her professional life of protecting witnesses with her "dysfunctional" family life, which really belong on Jerry Springer if you ask me.


Phew! Congratulations if you've read all my recaps! Now go watch TV! You must be missing something good!!

Living In A Fantasy

Per our normal routine, after Baby Bee's breakfast, we sat down for Sesame Street. Now Sesame Street just started a new season. Yes, Moms all around the world rejoice!!

But that's not all. I usually lose myself in the computer and internets while Bee watches random Street-ness. However, this morning, something caught my eye.



Hells yes, Sesame Street! HELLS YES!! Needless to say, this episode will not be deleted from our TiVo any time soon. Even dressed up like the Shoe Fairy, he's still cute!

Author's Note: Yeah, I know NPH doesn't play for my team, but I just try to ignore that. He's way to charming and cute to not have Sesame Street fantasies about him! (Kidding, Mr. Bee!)


Song title: Living In A Fantasy by Artist: Leo Sayer

Recap - Project Runway

Project Runway - Rings of Glory
Did you know that Season Six of Project Runway will be on the Lifetime Channel, not Bravo?! What?!

So last week, the designers were brought to the Armory Track and Field Training Center and introduced to their guest judge, Apolo Anton Ohno (go local homeboy, go!). They then had to design an outfit for the 2008 Summer Olympics Opening Ceremonies. I was waiting for some surprise announcement that the winner's design was going to be used at the Olympics, but nope! Just another pointless design.

Here are my thoughts on the designs and designers:

Blayne: I promise that Blayne does not represent anyone in Seattle. For Christ's sake, when he is home, he must stand out with that fake tan around all of us pale Northwesterner's. I'm always surprised when his design don't suck. His outfit was feminine, simple and flattering.


Daniel: Is it possible for someone to be a designer and color blind? While his dress was pretty, it wasn't at all athletic and, FYI Daniel, it was PURPLE. It's Red, White, and BLUE, honey. BLUE!!

Jerell: What. The. Hell. Was. That. Seriously?! The only thing stranger would've been to put your tiny little army hat on top of your model's gigantic sombrero.

Joe: Better than some, but strangely looks foreign to me (maybe Japanese). I think he had the right idea, but lost it somehow.

Keith: It looks like the model's wearing a life jacket, a men's necktie and that her vagina is exploding fabric. Not cute.

Kelli: Super cute, but a little to Holly Hobby for me.

Kenley: VERY cute, but not enough of the athleticism that I think the judge's are looking for.

Korto: I think she definitely had the right idea, but could the pants have a wider leg?! Like all those hot and toned athletes want to hide in giant Hagrid pants.

Leanne: Totally cute, but what's with the scarf thingy around her neck? Not diggin' it.

Stella: Need I say anything? This lady needs to go home FAST. I'm not kidding. Her accent is giving me a migraine.

Suede: Mama Bee can't believe that she's saying this, but Mama Bee totally and absolutely loves Suede's design! Mama Bee would have loved to see the female athletes in something super cute like this during the Opening Ceremonies, instead of the manly butch slacks and jacket that they got to wear. Good work, Ralph. All the athletes looked like butch lesbians (not just the softball team).

Terri: Seriously, what's with crazy neck adornments on this task? I guess this outfit isn't horrible, but I can't possibly get past the gross neck "thing".

Jennifer: Super cute. Not athletic or fitting the requirements of the competition, but super cute none-the-less. She got Auf'd. Meow meow.