Family Scriptures

I just sat down and watched a few episodes of "17 Kids and Counting", including "The Very Duggar Wedding" episode. Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. What

2. The

3. Fuck

No seriously, what the hell is going on with these people?! First of all, Mrs. Duggar's baby hole must be the size of a manhole {rim shot} by now. Having so many kids is just, well, WRONG. The thought of having more than two kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a bit. Imagine having SEVENTEEN!?!?! Shit, make that EIGHTEEN now. Holy crap balls.

And those poor kids. The oldest children I'm sure never got to be that. Children. Even on the episode before the "big wedding", the parents were commenting on how hard it was taking care of the younger kids without the older girls around.

But let's talk weddings (my specialty):

(1) Wedding dresses with sleeves are HAWT.
Nothing says "I dress to impress" more than an ill-fitting wedding dress with sleeves. Because God hates shoulders, dontcha know? And while we're on the topic of fashion, what's the deal with this Anna chick being so matchy matchy? When Josh (Okay, I was seriously going to make up some random degrading name for the Groom - something like "Jim Bob" - until I realized that Jim Bob is actually the name of the Duggar dad. Really though? Geez.), Okay when Josh proposes to Anna, she and her mom are wearing matching shirts. Then, when Josh and Anna get their marriage license, they are wearing matching striped polo shirt! What is this, twin tolo?! Oh yeah, and let's not forget that Josh proposed to her with balloons in like a T.G.I.Fridays. Keep it classy, Duggars.

(2) Spiral perms are so 1980s 2009.
Apparently the Duggar girls keep their hair long because "our dad likes long hair, so we try to keep our hair long." Excuse me a second while I vomit up my lunch...

They also perm their hair regularly. I blame this on a prohibition of television that must have occurred after the last episode of Saved by the Bell. Jessie Spano is super rad, y'all.

(3) Saving themselves for marriage.
Okay, so up until college I was all gun-ho for the saving yourself for marriage thang. I even got irritated at women who weren't virgins having the cajones to wear white on the wedding day. Oh yeah, I was *that* girl. But roughly 10 years later, I am somewhat older and wiser. I won't bore you with the crude "you'd never buy a car without test driving it first, would you?" (oh wait, I just did. Sorry.) but let's just say I'm supportive of people saving themselves for love, but maybe not marriage.

(4) Saving their FIRST KISS for marriage.
Really, though? Does this even require commentary from me?! Like you don't have enough pressure on your wedding night if you're a bunch of virgins; now let's add kissing to the list. I haven't kissed a ton of boys in my time, but I've kissed enough to know that you would DEFINITELY want to test drive that shit before marriage. {shudders with memories of horrific kissers in past}

(5) (Not wedding related, but oh well) Duggar Home Guidelines.
I couldn't possibly mock all of them, but here are some of my favorites:
~ Don’t mock or put others down. (Aaaaahahahahahaha! Oh, uh, oops?)
~ Never argue, complain, or blame. (What fun is that?!)
~ Think pure thoughts (Philippians 4:8, Romans 13:14). (What do you think?)
~ Always give a good report of others. Don't gossip! (Again, what fun is that?)
~ Amendment J.O.Y. - Put Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. (I won't go in to my religious beliefs but I don't think anything good can come of putting yourself LAST! Oy, people.)


Oh my God! I almost forgot the best part! The show was sponsored by the Plan B birth control pill! Oh, the irony! AAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahah!

Lastly, because it is completely unrelated (I'm having one of those "start 27 blog posts but never finish any of them" kind of days), I am watching NBC's The Last Templar right now and it sucks monkey balls. Mira Sorvino chasing down a Templar Knight on a police horse in a ball gown? Are you shitting me? I swear Sorvino is the worst actress EVAR.

But Scott Foley is yummy.


Oh, and PS: Don't be like the Duggars. They are Crazy with a capital WTF.


Song title: Family Scriptures by Mo' Thugs