Bitch

Lately I've realized that I've become very negative. Don't get me wrong; I know that my inner being is snarky and skeptical. At heart, I'm just not a rosy, sugary optimist that never says anything bad about people. Dur.

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Sugary nice person: What a beautiful rainbow! I wonder if there is gold at the end!

Me: Yeah. If there is gold, it's probably owned by some douchy leprechaun that totally doesn't deserve it. He probably only has the gold because he exploited the people he works with into working 70-hour weeks while he goes out golfing or something. Stupid friggin' leprechaun. Oh yeah, pretty rainbow.

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But I digress. I hope my friends and family don't think that I'm just a total judgmental bitch. I mean, I am judgmental, but I try to be in just a funny, entertaining way. (key word = try)


Beautiful People
This all leads me to a deeper topic that most people probably don't know about me. I'll try my best to make this post not too Lifetime for Women.

I realized while in Vegas a few weeks past that my happiness or enjoyment of a situation is directly related to how cute and/or attractive I feel. Especially when surrounded by attractive people. For example, I spent an entire day without makeup and without showering. Now, at home, I could care less. And typically, I'm not one of those women that absolutely has to have her makeup on to leave the house to go to the store (but I usually will put makeup on before leaving).

This particular day was full of activities that would make us sweaty and gross, so the group decide to forgo showers until later in the evening when we'd glam up for a night on the town. I don't know about the other ladies, but I felt soooo gross and unattractive that whole day. And to make matters worse, we then participated in a Stripper 101 class (oh yeah, that deserves a post dedicated solely to stripping). In the class, it goes without saying that self-confidence is required. That day I had negative 110% of self-confidence. The amount of enjoyment I should have gotten out of the experience was smothered by my overwhelming disgustingness for myself. (okay, that's a little severe, but I did think I looked like a hot tranny mess)

Even looking at the photos of the weekend, I absolutely believe myself to be the fattest and least attractive woman there. Where does that come from? I always write things off (such as NO guys even attempting to hit on me at a bar/club) as my self confidence that I put out and/or the definite "I'm not interested" vibe that I think I put out in that kind of situation. I could even go the post-pregnancy route of "I just feel this bad about myself because my body has changed significantly since Baby Bee blew out my vag." This definitely didn't help the situation (and hanging out with 8 hawt pre-pregnancy women with flat stomachs made me just about want to shoot myself in the head). Could my excuses just be a huge defense mechanism like my witty judgment of people and situations? (oh yeah, baby, brought this post full circle! You know you thought it'd never happen...)

Anyhoo, I'm not looking for pity comments like "oooh! You're so pretty" because, honestly, I don't even know if I'd believe it. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't believe it at all.

I don't really know what the point of this post was except to just give you a glimpse in to the sparkly, golden innards of Mama Bee.

Oh yeah, I said innards. You know you're jealous.