Mom to Bee

Switch all your Links!

2009-03-03T09:21:00.001-08:00

Don't forget to change the links on your blogroll and in your readers to:

www.momtobee.com

Good stuff over at the new site including my Open Letter to Jason Mesnick, ABC's The ~~Douche Bag~~ Bachelor

Come On Over

2009-02-22T21:38:00.000-08:00

Just a final FYI:

All new content can be found at www.momtobee.com!

Come on over! I guarantee you will find the same (if not more) expletives and belligerent judgmental rants on the new site. And maybe some shit about my kid, too.

Song title: Come On Over by Shania Twain

www.momtobee.com

2009-02-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

**NEW POST at the new www.momtobee.com**

Make sure you switch over your links and your reader subscriptions so you don't miss out! This new post is about how I'd rather fuck a clown than stand on a high bridge. You don't want to miss it!

Big Time Operator

2009-02-19T20:38:00.000-08:00

I've got big news!

My blog can now be found at www.momtobee.com!!

I won't take down the blogspot blog right away, but I'll probably start posting the new stuff on the new Mom to Bee.

I'm still trying to figure out Wordpress (seriously thinking about jamming a fondue fork in to my right eye), so give me a little slack when it comes to random retardedness on the new site.

Start updating your reader subscriptions now!

Song title: Big Time Operator by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

Death is Certain

2009-02-19T10:12:00.000-08:00

Have any of you heard of this new drug called Humira? Apparently it is being marketed for psoriasis but also is prescribed for Rheumatoid Arthritis, Juvenile Idiopathic Arthritis, Psoriatic Arthritis, Ankylosing Spondylitis and Crohn's Disease.

First of all, it's kind of weird to me that one medication is prescribed for these different conditions.

But there is something else that jumped out at me when I watched a commercial on television for Humira: The Side Effects.

The commercial warns that the drug can lower your ability to fight infections that spread throughout the body. Some of these serious infections have been fatal so tell your doctor if you've ever had tuberculosis or hepatitis b, are prone to infection or get an infection.

The website clarifies that "These infections include TB (tuberculosis) and infections caused by viruses, fungi, or bacteria that have spread throughout the body. Some patients have died from these infections."

And remember to not start Humira if have an infection such as an open sore or the flu. God only knows what happens then.

Oh and don't take the drug if you have any numbness, tingling, a disease that affects your nervous system, have heart failure or other heart conditions, are scheduled for major surgery, are pregnant, become pregnant, plan to become pregnant or are breastfeeding, or are allergic to rubber or latex.

Oh wait. But these aren't even in the list of SERIOUS SIDE EFFECTS!!

You could also be stricken with:

Serious infections.

Certain types of cancer.

Allergic reactions.

Hepatitis B virus reactivation in patients that carry the virus in their blood.

Nervous system problems.

Blood problems.

New heart failure or worsening heart failure you already have.

Immune reactions including a lupus-like syndrome.

What. The. Fuck.

And all of this is being marketed for Psoriasis, which totally sucks and would be embarrassing, but to resort to taking a drug that could give you cancer or kill you?!

What do you think?

Song title: Death is Certain Pt. 2 (It Hurts) by Royce Da 5'9

A Lot in Common

2009-02-17T11:39:00.000-08:00

And by "A Lot" I mean, nothing at all.
Am I the only one that think Moms Groups are kind of weird?

Don't get me wrong, I have met a lot of cool moms through my local parents group, a few of which I think could really be long-term, super cool friends. I mean, really, if your Facebook profile photo has penis balloons hanging in the background, you will definitely be a friend of mine!

But the overall theory that proximity and the ability to pop a kid out your vag will make you immediate friends? I'm not so sure.

The first meeting is always uncomfortable because you feel like the one mom who doesn't know everyone. You spend your time watching your little kid playing near the other kids, because at this age, do any of the kids actually interact (besides stealing each other toys, I mean)? The conversation could range from "Hey! I popped a kid out of my vagina a few years ago!" to "Hey! I live right over there! You can see my house from here!"

My Moms Group is hardcore too. We make dinners for moms that just had kids (I totally signed up and then promptly forgot about my meal day and left a new mom and her family starving. Nice, huh?) and some moms even switch off babysitting for each other.

Maybe Mom Groups are like church: they are a good support system when you need them but maybe they just aren't for everybody?

I mean, I'm all for people making me free food when I pop another kid out of my vagina, but babysitting? I hardly even like watching my OWN kid. Why would I want to watch other people's kids?! There's maybe one or two kids that I could handle watching or letting Moms watch Bee, but as for everyone else? I guess my rule of thumb is if I don't even know your last name, you probably aren't going to be babysitting my child. Fuck, why don't I just walk in to the local grocery store and drop Bee off with the first lady with kids I see?

And then there is the problem of so many people in the group that never come to things. Part of me doesn't blame them because each event gets booked up quickly with the same 7 people, which makes it really awkward for the newcomers to try to infiltrate their ranks.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to entirely bash on Moms Groups.

But since we've already started...

Let's discuss the basic etiquette that I think is necessary to participate in anything where children interact (play dates, story times, etc.)

Rule #1: If your kid has green oozy snot running out of his/her nose, please keep them home.
I know you probably really want to get out of the house and interact with adults, but Dear Lord, if you get my child sick, I swear to the Flying Spaghetti Monster I will hunt you down and cover your front porch with my child's drippy oozing snot.

Rule #2: Please teach your kid to share.
Most of our children are too young to grasp the concept of sharing, but it'd be great if you'd, well, try to teach your kid that it's not okay to forcefully grab shit from other kids. It's fucking Dog-Eat-Dog-Lord-of-the-Flies here anyway, we don't need some crazy Incredible Hulk kid ripping toys from little hands, okay?

Rule #3: Since we're on the topic, don't let your kid hurt other kids.
Seems obvious, right? If your kid has the tendency to tackle, hit, or stab other kids with a shiv, please keep them home. Honestly, it just makes it really awkward for the rest of us moms to have to be Mama Bear protecting our cubs during play group.

Rule #4: How about a lesson in how to behave in other people's houses?
Sweet Jesus, it might be okay for your kids to swing from the curtains, climb on tables and color on the walls at your house, but I actually care about keeping things from breaking at my house. Kthxbai.

Rule #5: Discipline is great when your kids don't abide by Rules #1-4.
Seriously, try it some time.

Besides having to deal with people who aren't familiar with Rules #1-5, I have enjoyed meeting new friends close to my house. My advice if you haven't joined a Moms Group yet is have an open mind. Realize that you aren't going to be BFFs with everyone, but you might just be lucky enough to find a few really incredible new friends.

But you might want to pack some extra disinfectant wipes, just in case.

Song title: A Lot in Common by Group 1 Crew

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T13:21:00.000-08:00

(almost) Wordless Weekend

2009-02-14T09:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Sissy and I (with the childrens) visited Uwajimaya, a huge Asian market that sells selling mainly Asian food—with an emphasis on Japanese—though it also stocks Western staples (which is just weird because seaweed and weird jelly fruit thingies just don't belong elbow to elbow with Stove Top Stuffing and orange marmalade. It's just weird to see.)

Here are some awesome products I saw there while perusing the shelves:

8 trillion different types of soy sauce.
Who knew there were so many choices when it comes to soy?

Mmmm....Dried. Black. Fungus.

You read it correctly. Pork. Uteri.
Personally I prefer my uteri fresh, not previously frozen...

I don't know who Pocari is,
but I'm pretty sure I don't want to be drinking his sweat...

Seriously, people. Pork UTERI. Excuse a second while I go vomit.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day y'all. Go kiss somebody or something.

Looks Like A Job 4...

2009-02-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

I think I really need to get a job writing for The Onion. What do you think?

Song title: Looks Like A Job 4... by Baby Aka #1 Stunna

The Longest Pee

2009-02-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

I had a friend over for Girl's Night on Tuesday when she got an unexpected phone call from her husband who was at home, watching their 18-month old boy.

My friend's husband had been working on his laptop when he had to take a break to change his son's diaper. He put the laptop on the playroom floor and began changing his son in another room.

Mid-diaper-change, the little 18-month old pops up naked from the floor and runs away. The husband runs after him, following the little rascal in to the playroom where he sees his son peeing directly on his laptop.

Now the husband's laptop is possible ruined!

Lesson learned: when in comes to computers, it's always a good idea to keep the peeps in the pants.

Song title: The Longest Pee by Adam Sandler

Valentine Day Massacre

2009-02-11T16:00:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite romantic things that Mr. Bee has ever done for me happened on a random Monday. He was up and out of the house before me, as always, but left me these photos on my camera.

Mr. Bee has been quite the romantic during our courtship and early years of our marriage, but now that we're a little older (wiser?) we're not big on the "You have to be romantic because it's February" deal.

I mean, does anyone over the age of 17 27 really give a shit about Valentines Day?

I vividly remember being a teenager and Valentine's was pretty much the important holiday in my sweet little teen drama life. Watching countless girls get flowers or balloons or gifts at school was torture. I mean, what was the point of those "buy a rose for a dollar to be delivered to your sweetheart in class" deals anyway. Just a special type of water boarding for those of us who never, ever received a single rose, candy cane or whatever the stupid ASB happened to be selling at the time.

But I'm not bitter.

Anywho, does anyone who is married and/or have kids actually really celebrate Valentine's Day anymore?

Mr. Bee is planning to take me out to dinner but I really could care less if he buys over priced roses that will die five minutes after I put them in water. We briefly discussed having him buy me some yummy chocolates for "the special day", but I quickly realized that he would probably end up getting all the wrong flavors and it would be easier and less painful for me to just by myself chocolates when I have the craving.

Maybe it's just the price of growing up and older. Some holidays loose their luster, their magic. We hardly even celebrate our anniversary anymore. We eventually buy something that we both want (matching iPods, etc.) and chalk it up to an anniversary present. Cross one more thing off that to-do list, right? Cutting back on the gift-giving and celebrations just makes life a little less stressful.

But maybe also just a little bit dull.

Song title: Valentine Day Massacre by Cilvaringz

A Secret Secret

2009-02-10T09:04:00.000-08:00

I have a secret.

Did I mention that I'm terrible with secrets?

I'll be able to tell you about this secret in a few weeks, but I do fear that if I don't get to talk about it soon my brain will explode in to tiny little gossiping fragments, killing me instantly and/or resulting in an orgasmic relief of story-telling.

I will say that what I may or may not be able to talk about may or may not have something or nothing to do with an event I participated in last night.

And it was FUCKING AWESOME.

You WILL be jealous.

Let's just say it is the fodder for many a fantasy now.

Sigh.

I promise to write up the post today (so I don't forget anything juicy) and post it as soon as I'm given the Thumbs Up from the (wo)Man in Charge. There will be photos too.

A Secret Secret by Ashley Stove

I'll Tell the World

2009-02-09T06:34:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to figure out a funny way to tell my friends and family that we're pregnant (when it happens - don't freak out on me; I'm not pregnant yet!). Last time, Mr. Bee sent out an email to our friends:

Subject: Life-altering Health Issue

Dear Friends,

I don't mean to catch you off-guard by any of this, but (Mama Bee) has a doctor's appointment soon and we may have less than 8 months left. We don't think it's contagious, but we're pretty sure I gave it to her (don't worry, I don't expect to give it to anyone else). If it turns out she got it from someone else I'll be very upset.

(Mama Bee)'s appearance may be significantly affected and our lives will definitely be changed forever.

We will need your support and encouragement during this terrifying time (for Kola [our dog at the time]). No, really. Baby toys scare the shit out of her.

- Mr. Bee

I definitely need to start brainstorming...

Song title: I'll Tell the World by Ever Stays Red

(almost) Wordless Weekend

2009-02-07T07:33:00.001-08:00

Quite possibly the best (read: worst) photo ever taken of me.
Santabator 2008

Things to Note about said photo:

isn't

Facebook

A Little Help From My Friends

2009-02-06T16:29:00.000-08:00

I need some serious HTML help!

What did I do to my blog to make that horrible poopy color show up in the header and footer? And why doesn't my blog header ever just stay automatically in the center?! ARG!!

Song title: A Little Help From My Friends by Joe Cocker

Force Feed

2009-02-06T13:41:00.000-08:00

So any of you that subscribe to my blog via a feed site (Google Reader or whatnot) have noticed that I changed my settings to "partial feed". That means that now instead of just reading a post in your reader, you actually have to click over to my site to read the entire post. I'm hoping this will give me a more accurate reading of the number of people who have nothing better to do than read my nonsense!

Update to add: Now that I got all fancy and shit with the poll, my header and footer are featuring this beautiful poo colored background. That's what I get for trying to play with the Big Girls.

Song title: Force Feed by Agnostic Front

Vagina Ice

2009-02-06T04:00:00.000-08:00

Surprisingly, I only had three song title choices that included the word 'vagina'. "Moist Vagina" by Nirvana just seemed inappropriate. I do have limits, people.

It seems that my fans have one thing on their minds lately: random women's vaginas. But hey, who am I to judge?

First off this week, we've got a Baltimore woman who decided to donate a kidney to her niece. THROUGH HER VAGINA. Apparently the procedure is less painful and produces less scarring.

Huh.

"It was easier than childbirth," said VagKidneyWoman, who has three children.

Fancy that. Maybe because a kidney is the size of a human fist. Jesus, I could pop a fist out of my vagina any day of the week! Let alone with medical assistance.

And in case you were worried about the poor niece who is now a vagkidney recipient, Dr. Vag said a plastic bag was placed into her abdominal cavity through a tiny incision protected the donated kidney from contamination by bacteria and other organisms in her vagina.

Organisms? Really, though? If I was the VagChick I would be personally requesting that my doctor does not lead people to believe that I have Sea Monkeys living in my vagina.

* * * * *
Elsewhere this week, a single 33-year-old ~~crazy cat lady~~ ~~Child Collector~~ woman with 6 kids already, gave birth to octuplets. That's 8 kids yo (for those of us that didn't major in Latin).

Seriously?

I have way too many thoughts about this. First of all, I'm pretty sure I'd be eating the business end of a ~~gun~~ ~~donut~~ plane ticket to Belize if I had six children. But what kind of fucked up person then decides to implant 8+ embryos in their vagina?!

Apparently a woman who thinks having litters of kids will bring her fame and free shit. Oh wait, what? Yeah, that's *right* lady. No one wants to give you any free shit to sponsor because You. Are. Crazy.

I'm LOVING that all the baby product companies in the world are like, "uh, yeah. No thanks. We'll pass on this one..." because the situation is so obviously fucked up and the mom is ~~crazy~~ ~~a crack smoker for wanting so many babies~~ mentally unstable.

Honestly, I don't know which is worse: the "mom" (and I use the term looooooooosely) or the doctor(s) involved. What was the doctor thinking?! I've heard rumors that the "mom" lied to the doctors about the situation, but still. Epic Fail for the doc, for sure.

* * * * *
Lastly, I'd like to send my thoughts out to Statler this week. Statler's dog was just diagnosed with cancer and it's been really rough on her, so just wanted to give her a shout-out and let her know that we're all thinking about her! XOXO

PS: NOT a good idea to Image Google Search "vagina" thinking you'll be able to bypass all the p0rn and just find a funny image to use on your blog.

Song title: Vagina Ice by Bliss N Eso

What You Don't Know - Part Three

2009-02-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

11. I like happy songs.
I can appreciate the beauty of slow songs, but I'm really not a fan. If the song has a happy beat, I'm a happy listener. I also REALLY love to sing, in the car, by myself, alone. But I have recently fallen in love with karaoke...Watch out, world.

12. I come from a family of very loud talkers and selective listeners.
I live in with the constant fear that I am talking way louder than I need to. My family also has a tendency to be very selective when listening to stories. That now is one of my biggest pet peeves - don't answer me a question if you don't want to know my answer.

13. I like to think I'm a funny person, but there are times I annoy even myself.
Besides being a mom, I don't know if anything gives me more joy than making someone laugh. But ironically, I also hate the spotlight. I'm constantly analyzing my behavior and trying to balance being funny and interjecting witty anecdotes without being overbearing and annoying.

14. I hate to buy anything not on sale.
A little piece of me dies when I have to pay full price and I lurves me some outlet malls. I can't remember the last time I spent full price on clothes. Okay, I lied, I bought a bunch of stuff at Old Navy a few weeks ago. But Old Navy definitely falls in to the not-full-price category since you can't really buy anything there that costs more than $15. The more money I save, the happier I am.

15. I really love personal questionnaires.
Honestly, it's because I know that I'll know all the answers! I'm retarded, I know. But I never have an answer for "What is your favorite color?"

* * * * *

Sorry for the lack of clever posts this week. Trying to get a jump on cleaning the house and organizing, well, my life. And reading all the horrible baby losses on the interwebs has really bummed me out.

Song title: What You Don't Know by Jon Randall

What You Don't Know - Part Two

2009-02-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

A continuation of the Facebook 25 Random Things ~~You'd Rather Not Know~~ About Me Meme

6. I think about death and funerals (mine, specifically) a lot.
I really don't know why, but I'm very fixated on my own funeral. I'm convinced that only like 4 people will go. Why I think about it or care, who knows. It's also really important to me to plan my will and funeral/wake, even though I have yet to begun planning either. I want the celebration of my ~~death~~ life to be as inappropriate and fun as I am.

7. I cry VERY easily.
Maybe it's because I'm thinking about people dying all the time? Really though, it doesn't take much as Sissy and a few of my friends could tell you. I think I am the polar opposite of Mrs. J in that way!

8. I love my family.
In today's day, my family is weirdly close. We love hanging out together and watching the kids play. My parents crack me up and I hope to continue to be an exact combination of both my mom and my dad.

My older (and only) sister, Sissy, is my best friend. Sissy and I speak on the phone usually by 9 or 10 in the morning most days. This will be the first of many phone calls during the day where we talk about ~~the need for Calgon to take us away immediately~~ anything and everything. If we do go a day without speaking, it's just wrong. We also have many nicknames for each other including, but not limited to: Hook, Hooker, Beeyotch, Hookity Hook, well, you get the idea...

9. I totally believe in "Friends at first sight".
I talked about it a while ago, but I totally believe in friends at first sight. My usual technique for testing out my theory is this:
a) See person and note "future friend" feeling.
b) Expose said person to inappropriate jokes and uncontrollable Tourette's.
c) If said person responds in kind, then consider yourself my friend.

10. I always pee with the door open.
You might be thinking, "well yeah, as a mom, I always have to pee with the door open now or my kid will freak out." That's true. But Mr. Bee (sorry to "out" you, honey) and I just had never closed the door around each other. So much for the romance, right? I mean, it's not like we'll just hang out in the bathroom together while one person is dropping a deuce or anything. We just never close the door. Unless people are over or we're at someone else's house. 'Cause that'd just be weird, yo.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Song title: What You Don't Know by Jon Randall

(almost) Wordless Weekend

2009-01-31T08:41:00.001-08:00

Our 2008 Christmas CardAnd, yeah, our Christmas cards went out like 3 weeks after Christmas this year. I blame it mostly on my ~~lack of ambition~~ Snowpacolypse 2008 which lost the package from Snapfish. Probably would've been helpful if we had even remembered we had ordered the cards before January came and went...

What You Don't Know - Part One

2009-01-30T09:15:00.000-08:00

So I've been tagged on Facebook about a billion times in the last week or so for this 25 Random Things About You thingy.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 (uh, yeah, I hardly know 25 people, so I'm only going to tag a few) people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

As I write this post, I am quickly realizing that it will be really long. So this will be my first installment of Things You Don't ~~Care To~~ Know About Me.

1. I can paint.
Since I haven't painted in a while, and it's not the kind of thing you just carry around with you, a lot of people don't know about my paintings. My two favorite paintings are the one I already showed you, and a painting of a row boat that I gave my parents years ago. One of these days I'll get better photos of them to show y'all.

2. I'm seriously afraid of heights.
I always knew that I wasn't a huge fan of heights, but until about 7 years ago, I didn't realize how severe it was. Mr. Bee and I had just started dating and he decided it would be super duper fun to go bungee jumping. We drove down to ~~the middle of fucking no where~~ somewhere around Mount Saint Helens so the boys could jump off of highest legal bungee bridge in the United States. Yaaaaaaay.

Okay, so this bridge is approximately 8 billion miles above the ground. It is a one-lane concrete bridge with one side that is completely unprotected. The other side has a grated walkway with a shabby railing made out of metal pipe. Oh, and did I mention that one side is completely un-railed?! Holy shit, I'm having a panic attack just thinking about it...

Needless to say, my chicken shit ass was walking right down the middle of the road, trying not to look over either side. When it was Mr. Bee's turn to jump, everyone insisted that I at least come over to the railing to get a better look. That's when I realized how severe my fear is. For the first time ever, I literally could not make my body move over toward the railing. It was bad enough that I would have to stand on grating (which enabled me to see straight down underneath myself), but that railing looked like it was built by a retarded monkey after a stroke. There was NO WAY I was going to lean up against that shit.

And that, my friends, was when I realized that all those stupid people on the Amazing Race who cry when forced up on a tall bridge or have to bungee jump off the Space Needle or something are not stupid after all. They're just like me.

3. I have 5 years of learning Spanish under my belt.
...and all I can say is "Me llamo Mama Bee" and "Yo quiero Taco Bell."

4. I have a law degree.
This is always followed up with "Did you practice?" or "Did you take the Bar exam?" to which I promptly laugh and say, "You mean I was supposed to use the piece of paper on my wall that cost $140,000?". Oh yes, my friends. I could buy a house (somewhere, I'm sure) for how much my degree cost.

5. Out of the (I'm guessing) couple hundreds of classmates of mine from law school, I only know the names of about 10 people.
You know that song "High School Never Ends"? Well, law school was like high school with huge amounts of alcohol, prescription drug abuse, and sex. You know, MORE of that stuff than in high school.

Law school was also full of cliques. Groups were pretty tight and therefore you really only hung out regularly with your own friends. This lead to MANY nicknames being created for, well, the entire population of the law school practically. Some of the names I remember: Monkey Girl (girl REALLY looked like a monkey, I shit you not), Meth Mouth, Arch Nemisis (man, I fucking hated that guy), Robot, Psycho, Skunk, Ken (of Ken and Barbie), Peg Bundy... I'm pretty sure everyone else was generally referred to as "Douche" or "Asshole" - there were a LOT of those. It was law school after all.

Anywho, I didn't realize how bad it was until graduation. Each classmate was called on stage by name to receive their diploma. With each and every classmate, I remember thinking, "Ooooh! THAT was her name?! Huh."

Now years after graduation, I have tons of people that ask me if I know so and so and I have NO idea unless they specify that "Janet Smith" really was called "Stink McPoopyPants".

Song title: What You Don't Know by Jon Randall

Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow

2009-01-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

Momnesia: the mental fuzziness and memory lapses that set in shortly after childbirth
For those of you without children, there is a funny thing that happens the very instant you blow out your vagina: you forget all about it. More accurately, you forget about all the shitty stuff that you had to endure during the 10 months of pregnancy.

Oh, you thought pregnancy only lasted 9 months? How sweet.

But that is a post for another day...

My memories of even attempting to conceive Baby Bee are fuzzy. But through attempting to conceive Cletus the Fetus (also known as Baby Numero Dos), I recently recalled one of the (many) crappy aspects of trying to have a baby:

The Negative Pregnancy Test.

As I've said before, when I'm ~~bored~~, ~~hungry~~, ~~sleepy~~, (fill in the adjective blank) I like to pee on things. But peeing on prego sticks is not all happy rainbows and unicorns and whatnot. It's actually beyond heart-breaking when you don't see that happy little plus sign or double line or whatever.

It wasn't until Mr. Bee and I decided to start trying to get pregnant that we realized that it's not always that easy. With Baby Bee, I got off birth control at the start of the new year and thought that I would with child in no time. I mean, Sissy pretty much only has to wink at her husband and she's prego. But fast forward 6 months later and no baby, just baby blues.

It's then that I joined a club of sorts. The I'm-Having-Troubles-Getting-Pregnant Club.

Before I go on, I must apologize to all the women out there reading that are still having troubles getting pregnant. They must be reading this and thinking I am the biggest whiner ever. I can't imagine what it must be like to struggle for a year or years or forever without having a baby.

Since you spend your pre-child-bearing years trying so hard to NOT have a baby, I think the majority of us figure that when we decide to have a baby, it'll be easy, right? I mean, all that birth control wasn't for nothing.

However, for some of us, it's not that easy. Without even trying I can think of a half dozen women my age (late twenties/early thirties) who had real serious trouble conceiving. In fact, one of my friends has been trying to get pregnant since before I was even thinking about getting pregnant with Baby Bee. It puts so much in perspective to think about those women. The women that would give anything just to see that double blue line on their pee stick.

But the test is negative. Again. So you must start another month of trying and hoping and keeping your fingers crossed that this month, well, this month will be different.

And while you wait for that baby to come in to your life, you hear on the news about girls tossing their babies out like trash. Recently, here in Washington, a teenager (with the help of her father - good parenting) gave birth and killed her baby, throwing it in the dumpster behind her house.

Or you hear about people just "accidentally" getting pregnant. Like when I was trying to get pregnant with Baby Bee, my neighbor's eighteen year old boy accidentally knocked up his seventeen year old girlfriend.

Really though?

I'm planning my sex down to the day and you "accidentally" get Little Miss High School Musical prego?!

But there's nothing you can do. You just have to get back in the game after every set-back:

1. Have sex. (okay, that part doesn't suck)
2. Wait.
3. Pee.

and, unfortunately,

4. Repeat as necessary.

Song title: Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow by Vonda Shepard

Do You Want To Break Up?

2009-01-28T09:46:00.001-08:00

I think I found out who stop following me and I think it was one of my favorite bloggers.

Sigh.

Do You Want To Break Up? by Eurythmics

This Year

2009-01-27T07:36:00.000-08:00

This year, is gonna be incredible
This year, is gonna be the one
All the planets are lining up for me
This year, I'm gonna have fun
This year, I paint a masterpiece
This year, I'll be recognized...

I'm not really a New Years Resolution kind of girl. With that said, I think that there are definitely things I can work on. I heard the song "This Year" on my iPod the other day and thought, "Why can't this be *my* year?!" So here is my list of things I hope to accomplish in 2009...

1. Exercise at least two times a week.
That shit ain't gonna happen unless I plan for it. Tomorrow I'm going to sit down and figure out a schedule for exercising, whether it be every other day or only two times a week. But sista, I need to slim down before (the not-yet-conceived) Cletus turns me in to the Michelin Man again.

2. Watch less television.
Hahahahahaha, yeah right! This one actually applies to Baby Bee. I'm so crazy proud of how smart she is and I give a lot of credit to the educational programming she watches, but I feel like she's watching just a bit too much right now. I'm sure every one else will gasp as this "new time allotment", but I'm gonna try to keep her down to under 2 hours a day. The girl loves her frickin' shows, what can I say?

3. Find time to paint more.
See that really blurry photo at the top of this post? Yeah, I painted that! Not too shabby, right? I absolutely love to paint, but I haven't gotten to pick up a paint brush (to paint something other than the walls) for about a year with the move and whatnot. Even though it will require cleaning up the office/craft/painting room, I'm determined to not only pick up a paint brush again soon, but to finish a large scale project I've been ~~not~~ working on for a while.

4. Stop comparing myself to others.
Whether it be fashion, weight, houses, salary, etc., I'm constantly comparing and judging myself against other people. I even compare how clean I keep the house to ridiculously high standards like Martha Stewart. I need to teach myself that being an adult doesn't equate to being perfect all the time. Adults make mistakes. Adults make messes.

5. Have more fun.
The last ~~few~~ five summers have been far too busy with weddings on Saturdays and wedding rehearsals on Fridays. I'm hoping this year to have some time off and to fill that time with children's museums, trips to the park and the beach, play dates with new friends and old ones, and trips out to our family lake house in ~~the middle of no where~~ Shelton.

6. Be a better friend.
I don't think that I'm a bad friend. In fact, I try really hard to be a dependable and fun friend to every one ~~I like~~ I know. But I could be better. I also want to make time for each and every friend and get to know my friends on a deeper level.

7. Accept my weight/physical appearance for what it is.
I do not think I am a pretty woman. In fact, I hate 99.99% of all photos of me. But I need to wrap my head around the fact that (1) people probably do not think I'm as ugly as I think I am, (2) I probably do not look as fat as I think I am, and (3) who the frick cares? I'm hoping to become healthier/thinner through my exercising (see #1), but this face ain't going any where. So I probably need to just deal with the fact that I am what I am (yes, I'm quoting Popeye. You gotta a problem with that?)

8. Write gooder on this blog.
'nuf said.

9. Start compiling my ideas in to a book.
Oh yeah, I've become one of *those* bloggers. But hey, I'm not looking to write the next Great American Novel. Just something funny for moms and moms to be.

10. Keep making people laugh.
It humbles me (and makes me poo myself with happiness) that people actually find this POS blog entertaining! I resolve to keep trying my hardest to find relevant topics to mock, controversies to dispute, and keep supplying you with an endless variety of synonyms for the vagina.

As a sidenote, I must add that yours truly at Mom to Bee exposed her 5 year old niece to the word "vagina" for the first time yesterday. Sissy got the great opportunity to answer the age old question "what is a vagina?" followed up with "What are pads/tampons for?"

You're welcome.

Song title: This Year by Chantal Kreviazuk

Family Scriptures

2009-01-26T16:00:00.000-08:00

I just sat down and watched a few episodes of "17 Kids and Counting", including "The Very Duggar Wedding" episode. Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. What

2. The

3. Fuck

No seriously, what the hell is going on with these people?! First of all, Mrs. Duggar's baby hole must be the size of a manhole {rim shot} by now. Having so many kids is just, well, WRONG. The thought of having more than two kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a bit. Imagine having SEVENTEEN!?!?! Shit, make that EIGHTEEN now. Holy crap balls.

And those poor kids. The oldest children I'm sure never got to be that. Children. Even on the episode before the "big wedding", the parents were commenting on how hard it was taking care of the younger kids without the older girls around.

But let's talk weddings (my specialty):

(1) Wedding dresses with sleeves are HAWT.
Nothing says "I dress to impress" more than an ill-fitting wedding dress with sleeves. Because God hates shoulders, dontcha know? And while we're on the topic of fashion, what's the deal with this Anna chick being so matchy matchy? When Josh (Okay, I was seriously going to make up some random degrading name for the Groom - something like "Jim Bob" - until I realized that Jim Bob is actually the name of the Duggar dad. Really though? Geez.), Okay when Josh proposes to Anna, she and her mom are wearing matching shirts. Then, when Josh and Anna get their marriage license, they are wearing matching striped polo shirt! What is this, twin tolo?! Oh yeah, and let's not forget that Josh proposed to her with balloons in like a T.G.I.Fridays. Keep it classy, Duggars.

(2) Spiral perms are so ~~1980s~~ 2009.
Apparently the Duggar girls keep their hair long because "our dad likes long hair, so we try to keep our hair long." Excuse me a second while I vomit up my lunch...

They also perm their hair regularly. I blame this on a prohibition of television that must have occurred after the last episode of Saved by the Bell. Jessie Spano is super rad, y'all.

(3) Saving themselves for marriage.
Okay, so up until college I was all gun-ho for the saving yourself for marriage thang. I even got irritated at women who weren't virgins having the cajones to wear white on the wedding day. Oh yeah, I was *that* girl. But roughly 10 years later, I am somewhat older and wiser. I won't bore you with the crude "you'd never buy a car without test driving it first, would you?" (oh wait, I just did. Sorry.) but let's just say I'm supportive of people saving themselves for love, but maybe not marriage.

(4) Saving their FIRST KISS for marriage.
Really, though? Does this even require commentary from me?! Like you don't have enough pressure on your wedding night if you're a bunch of virgins; now let's add kissing to the list. I haven't kissed a ton of boys in my time, but I've kissed enough to know that you would DEFINITELY want to test drive that shit before marriage. {shudders with memories of horrific kissers in past}

(5) (Not wedding related, but oh well) Duggar Home Guidelines.
I couldn't possibly mock all of them, but here are some of my favorites:
~ Don’t mock or put others down. (Aaaaahahahahahaha! Oh, uh, oops?)
~ Never argue, complain, or blame. (What fun is that?!)
~ Think pure thoughts (Philippians 4:8, Romans 13:14). (What do you think?)
~ Always give a good report of others. Don't gossip! (Again, what fun is that?)
~ Amendment J.O.Y. - Put Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. (I won't go in to my religious beliefs but I don't think anything good can come of putting yourself LAST! Oy, people.)

Oh my God! I almost forgot the best part! The show was sponsored by the Plan B birth control pill! Oh, the irony! AAAAAAhahahahahahahahahahahah!

Lastly, because it is completely unrelated (I'm having one of those "start 27 blog posts but never finish any of them" kind of days), I am watching NBC's The Last Templar right now and it sucks monkey balls. Mira Sorvino chasing down a Templar Knight on a police horse in a ball gown? Are you shitting me? I swear Sorvino is the worst actress EVAR.

But Scott Foley is yummy.

Oh, and PS: Don't be like the Duggars. They are Crazy with a capital WTF.

Song title: Family Scriptures by Mo' Thugs

Karma (Comes Back Around)

2009-01-26T09:28:00.000-08:00

This weekend I went from 19 followers (I know, I know, I've hit it big time!) to 18 followers!

I guess Karma's a bitch.

Excuse me while I use my superhuman detective powers to find out who dropped me and why, cuz that shit stings! Didn't you, the interwebs, realize that I was just telling you to stop reading BORING blogs?!

Song title: Karma (Comes Back Around) by Adam F

(almost) Wordless Weekend

2009-01-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

I promise Mr. Bee and I don't always dress like this.

Just for date night.

(It was really for a surprise 30th birthday party for a close friend. And don't worry, it *was* 70's Disco themed.)

Bag Lady

2009-01-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

Recently I got tagged by Pearl at Pearls of Wisdom in a meme (what is a meme, anywho?). It was created by Beth at Total Mom Haircut and is all about purses, so really, how can I say 'no'?

Here’s what you/I have to do:

(1) Post a picture of whatever bag you are carrying as of late. No, you cannot go up to your closet and pull out that cute little purse you used back before you had kids. I want to know what you carried today (or the last time you left the house).

(2) I want to know how much it cost :) And this is not to judge, because I’m honestly telling you I was ready to put down some cash; I just got lucky. This is for entertainment purposes only. So spill it. And if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I’d love to hear it.

(3) Tag some chicks. And link back to this post so people know why the heck you’re showing everyone your diaper bag/non-diaper bag.

This Tag/Meme/Schmeme/Whatever It Is comes at the perfect time because I was *just* switching over from full diaper bagness to something a bit more compact/convenient. I've been convinced for the last year that the one time I don't take the diaper bag out, that will be the one day that Baby Bee decides to shit all over herself. Luckily, since that hasn't happened is a loooong time, I think I'm good to make the switch!

So this is my beautiful Purse O' the Moment:

She's Coach and was discovered sitting on a lonely shelf at the Seattle Premium Outlets by Sissy, my sissy. Okay, she wasn't lonely. She actually has a twin who lives at Sissy's house. Yeah, we have matching ~~sweaters~~, ~~shirts~~, ~~Uggs~~, ~~husbands~~, purses...

I think my favorite part of the purse is the lining:
It's so Springy! I really need to get one of those cute little scarves that they tie on Coach purses to spruce up the outside a bit. Hmmm...I smell a shopping trip in my future...

This little beauty was marked down from $428 to something in the $200s and then it was on Clearance. We ended up getting them for about $125 each. Score, right?!

Sissy was in the checkout line that snaked through the store ready to buy the purse for herself when she decided I might like one. She called me on the phone and said, "Uh, there is a really cute purse marked down from $428 to $125. I'm getting one. You want one?" "Dur." I replied. (Okay, actual I needed some convincing because I knew I probably didn't *need* it and I wasn't sure on the color situation). Needless to say, Mr. Bee was not quite as thrilled when I put down the phone and said cheerily, "I just got a new Coach purse!!"

Sissy then had to make a worker at the store go and fetch her another one. Sadly, we left their sole remaining sibling on the shelf. Someday, when our purses are old enough to understand, we'll explain to them why we loved them enough to adopt them, but not enough to save their sibling. (Coming Soon to a Lifetime Channel for Women near you!)

I thought I'd share all the goodies that I carry in my purse on a daily basis:
Man, that looks really sparse online, huh? All I got is:

Mr. Bee's meds

Can you believe how much stuff fits in to this purse?!

Alrighty then. Now it's tag time. I hereby, by the power vested and whatnot, tag:

The McGowan Foursome

Sometimes I Think Funny Things

Absolutely Bananas

Damn Yankee

Daily Spewage of a Bitter Mind

Oh, and this is for you, Pearl:
Fuckity fuck fuck. ;)

Song title: Bag Lady by Audio Adrenaline

Just Like You

2009-01-22T08:05:00.000-08:00

On a daily basis, besides my Outlook Calendar and my TiVo Schedule(s), there is one other list that I depend on.

Google Reader

Even though it seems personal, I've decided to share my reader list with you, my beloved ~~strangers~~ friends.

Compared to my 61 Seasons Passes, my list of 33 blogs to read every day seems down right pathetic.

But, to be honest, I've kind of paired down my list a bit recently. I was reading a few blogs that, well, just didn't do anything for me. One day, while I was reading a random post, I just realized that (1) I didn't have a single thing in common with this person, and (2) I didn't really enjoy reading her posts.

It got me thinking: do you (the interwebs) read blogs written by people more or less like yourself?

I find my recent ax-ing of blogs interesting because I socialize in real life with people of many different cultures, backgrounds, religions, etc. I also find myself listening to a lot of talk radio (because I'm now a boring Mom), but I don't even listen to liberal radio. I tend to listen to radio hosts that I generally don't agree with, because it really gets my brain churning and helps me focus of my own personal arguments and/or opinions on whatever topic they are beating in to the ground that day. (Yeah, take *that* grammar. Mama loves her run-on sentences.)

There is just something about reading blog entries on a semi-daily basis that is different. Maybe it's because said blogs didn't make me laugh. Maybe they didn't challenge my own beliefs enough to be interesting to me.

Either way, I feel okay not reading them anymore. Unless they find out...then I'll feel as guilty as hell!

PS: How can I have more followers on Twitter than on my blog?! And sadly, both numbers are not high. Oh, the irony.

Meow meow.

Song title: Just Like You by Keyshia Cole

Misery, Pain & Hunger

2009-01-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

The results are in
I am officially...

...

...

not pregnant.

Fuck you, January. Fuck. You.

February, you're mine. All MINE!

And just to make things sweeter, apparently my uterus has decided to revolt against me for my attempts to knock her up again. Not only do I have my lovely little monthly visitor, but she decided to visit EARLY and FEROCIOUS. Arg. Being a girl sucks monkey balls.

But in happier news, this means that I have another month of eating stuff all the stuff I shouldn't eat while pregnant, like rare beef, sushi and hot dogs. Sah-weet!!

And last night I discover THE yummiest food on the planet: California Rolls that are...wait for it...DEEP FRIED! Holy crap, right?

Like I told my friends, my body is my temple. And this temple requires all the food that enters it to be purified by way of hot, tasty grease. Man, I'm already craving more of it. So good.

Stone In My Shoe

2009-01-19T22:30:00.000-08:00

Are you one of them?

* * * * *[Open Scene]
News Years Eve.
Lights up on a moderately-sized condominium overlooking the Seattle skyline. A small group of sophisticated 30-somethings socialize while drinking wine and awaiting the New Years fireworks display. A knock on the door reveals a new-comer, dressed in a sweet little black party dress and killer heels. She enters the condo ready to meet new people, as she knows only a few, and to welcome the New Year in style.

But wait.

Huh?

Um, Pretentious Douche*, why is their a pile of dress shoes by the door?

But...uh...urr...see, I have this pretty little dress on. Yeah, it's cute huh? I got it for my high school reunion to hide my post-pregnancy belly almost 2 years ago but it's totally hot, right? I know! It's BCBG. But wait, where was I? Oh yeah, see I have this pretty little dress on and my shoes...yeah, they *are* cute! See the little ruching in the front? Yeah, and see they match my dress perfectly! ::poses like Americas Next Top Model, Cycle 13:: I know, right?! Totally perfect. But if you force me, against my will, to take said perfect shoes off then, well, I'll be barefoot. In someone else's apartment. Who I don't know. And meeting a bunch of people I don't know. In my bare feet.

And, wait. You have a dog. A dog that shits and licks herself and whatnot. Like most dogs, I presume that your dog also periodically walks through her pee and poo.

But *I* have to take *my* shoes off before I come in your house?!

* * * * *
Seriously, what is up with people requiring you to disrobe before entering their house? I know I'm treading on thin ice here because every. single. one. of my friends has the shoes off policy. (I love you guys!!!)

Pros and Cons of the Shoe Removal Policy

Pros

(1) You keep your rug clean (::cough::lazy::cough::)

Cons

(1) You have to see my ugly feet.

(2) I never get to show off any cute shoes and therefore it never matters what shoes I wear.

(3) My feet get cold.

(4) It's embarassing (i.e. I don't get regular pedicures and/or I'm wear junky socks that I had no intention of showing you)

(5) (Somtimes) it is inappropriately casual. If this is the first time I'm meeting you or have never been to your house before, it makes me very uncomfortable to be that informal. Why don't I just help myself to your bathrobe and grab a beer from the fridge while I'm at it?

(6) It's just awkward. If I'm in a cute party dress with strappy sandals, now I have to put down my purse and coat, bend over without showing the world my chocha and unbuckle my shoes, just to have to do it all over again when I leave? I just look like a douchebag. Can you imagine watching a movie and seeing Angelina Jolie strutting in to a party and stopping to remove her shoes? Or James Bond with a martini and no shoes on? No, you can't, because it would look retarded.

Unless it's a family gathering or a close group of friends, when your guests arrive, they want to drop their coats and get to socializing. They don’t want to fumble with their footwear like they’re in line for a security checkpoint.

*Mr. Bee saw Pretentious Douche at another gathering where he (1) brought his dog to another persons party, and (2) fed said dog sushi from the expensive sushi platters provided by the host's parents. I now deem you Sir Douche VonDoucheyPants.

Song title: Stone In My Shoe by Alisha's Attic

(almost) Wordless Weekend

2009-01-17T10:30:00.000-08:00

Best Costco Shopping Trip EVAR.
Two bottles of Champagne, chocolate covered raisins, almost a pound and a half of brie, and gift certificates to Starbucks and Godiva Chocolates.

I'm in heaven. And will gain about 8 trillion pounds this weekend.

Oops... I Did It Again

2009-01-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

So remember how a few weeks ago I admitted to peeing on stuff?

Well, due to my ridiculous impatience or lack of anything better to do, I've almost pee'd on all the tests I have. (No double line yet. Meow meow.)

Yesterday the second Walk of Pregnancy Shame commenced to buy another handful of cheap dollar store pregnancy tests (and yes, this time I hit up an actual Dollar Tree and saved myself $1.49 per test thankyouverymuch).

I really hope that I either find something better to entertain myself or get knocked up soon, 'cuz it's really kind of embarrassing stomping in to a dollar store with Baby Bee on my hip and buying as many pregnancy tests as I can feasibly carry without making it look like I'm selling them on the cheap pregnancy test black market...

Song title: Oops... I Did It Again by Britney Spears

Wishin' and Hopin'

2009-01-15T07:30:00.000-08:00

::Yawn::
Is the week over yet? Seriously, yo. I'm spent.

Since Sunday, I have been so exhausted. And last night I was feeling kind of ill.

My brilliant deduction is that I'm either:
(1) exercising too much and causing my muscles to mutiny
(2) getting old
(3) pregnant
(4) sick

Obviously, I really hope that it's Cletus the Fetus that is making me so. god. damn. tired. But I'm realistic that even if I am pregnant, it's probably a little too early for me to be suffering from baby-induced exhaustion.

Options 1 & 4 are enticing because then at least I will, in theory, improve at some point. Whereas Option 3 is slightly depressing as this will just be foreshadowing the 9+ months ahead of me.

Sidenote: Baby Bee is talking to herself in her crib right now. She's saying, "No!...No!" but not in an angry way. A really cute belligerent baby way. She's also started to put a finger up to her mouth and say, "Hmmm..." when I ask her a question. Frickin' adorable, I tell ya.

Because I am so exhausted and cannot come up with a witty blog post to save my life, I will henceforth and therefore and whatnot entertain you with a photo of Baby Bee that I took yesterday after she woke up from her nap:

Does she look more like
Nick Nolte
Gary Busey
or Sanjaya?

Wishin' and Hopin' by Ani Difranco

Yum Yum

2009-01-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

Seriously, what is wrong with me?!
Last week, we discussed my new obsession with designer maternity clothing.

(Yeah, I've already bought one shirt on ebay and I'm even pondering whether or not to contact the company directly for some blog "sponsoring". Yeah, I'm that desperate for these clothes!)

Well, I was shopping for a wedding gift this weekend when I spotted a store from my past:
"id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5290627864138683250" />See, at some point during my college years, I discovered Godiva Chocolates. I would save my money and take the bus downtown to Westlake Center. I would buy maybe 4 truffles and carry them carefully home, on the dirty dirty bus, back to my shitty basement apartment.

Seriously, it was a really crappy apartment. Like my bedroom was literally 6 feet by 12 feet. Sounds roomy, but imagine it packed with a desk, dresser and twin size bed. It was more like a college jail cell than anything.

But I digress.

Godiva was my tiny little luxury during college and I haven't really eaten the delicious chocolates since then.

Until this weekend, when the siren's song was just too tempting. I went in for a few little truffles and came out with this:

And now that bag is empty. So sad.

And I have officially fallen off the Godiva wagon.

I'm pretty sure I got the lemon chiffon truffle, the strawberry truffle and the crack-flavored truffle, because I couldn't put that shit down and now I'm just craving more.

Oh, I was also doing some gardening today and seem to have misplaced my money-growing tree. If you have noticed one laying around anywhere, could you let me know? 'Cause this Godiva/crack habit is gonna suck me dry if I don't start pooping money soon...

Song title: Yum Yum by Spoonie Gee

Date Bait

2009-01-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

The Top Ten Dating Tips from ABC's The Bachelor

1. Be a stalker. Nothing makes a first impression like knowing a guy's birthday, favorite color, sibling's names and ages, and sibling's significant others.

2. Vision boards. Combine your love of cutting out letters from magazines (see #1) with your obsession with all things Oprah. Simply decoupage to your hearts delight and use the power of the Force to uncover the Secret of the Laws of Attraction and Power of Thought with Vision Boards and whatever. Remember: the Universe is Listening.

3. Talk about your dead husband. I know that *always* gets me in the mood for a little somethin' somethin'.

4. Lie about your age. It doesn't matter how much plastic surgery you've had to cover up your Cougar-ness. Just draw on those eyebrows and knock a decade or two off your age. You'll do great!

5. Use non sequiturs. Keep your date on his toes with gripping conversation such as, "I speak Spanish. My name is Sharon." or "Wanna guess how old I am?"

6. Talk a lot about your job. Especially if it is something as interesting as toe implants. Yes. Toe implants.

7. Impress your date with State knowledge. Flaunt your Idaho potatoes! I'm sure he'd love to hear all about the Mountain Bluebird (state bird), the Square Dance (state dance - yee haw!) and your state fish, which everyone knows is the Cutthroat Trout.

8. Confuse information about your date's hometown. Stay mysterious and keep him guessing as you talk about "Pike's Market" in Kirkland or maybe the Empire Building in Baltimore...

9. Use your best stripper name. Dominique? Treasure? Stacia? Nuf said.

10. Drink a lot. NOTHING is sexier than slurring your words and rambling nonsense. Oh, and touch your date inappropriately. That always works.

Song title: Date Bait by Dr. Feelgood

Dancing Queen

2009-01-12T11:22:00.000-08:00

"You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only ~~seventeen~~ 20 months..."
Out of the 100-ish weddings I've been to in my life, I think I've only been to maybe 4 that I wasn't in some capacity working. It's actually a good thing because, since starting my wedding business about 5 years ago, attending a wedding as a guest is pretty painful.

Like, you know when you are planning your wedding and some one says, "Hey, don't worry about it! NO ONE will notice..." Yeah, sorry to burst your bubble, but I will notice. And pick it apart. In my head, anyway (and to Mr. Bee later in the evening).

So when we got to go to a wedding this last weekend, I was pretty stoked to see what the bride will be wearing, who the vendors are, etc.

This wedding was even better because it happened to be one of those weird Small World Coincidences that kind of creep me out. The Groom was Mr. Bee's cousin, but the Bride was a chick that I went to junior high and high school with. The Bride and I were friends when we were like 13 but since then, not so much. So I never thought that I'd (1) ever be invited to her wedding and/or (2) be related to her (albeit, by marriage).

Anywho, the wedding itself was pretty uneventful. My favorite part, though, was the beginning of the ceremony. Their officiant was also the emcee and dj for the night. Oh yeah, he was "that guy".

His ceremony opener was to talk about what love and marriage meant to the Bride and Groom. (and I ~~quote~~ paraphrase)

"The Groom thinks that love is doing something for the other person even when it might not be the right thing for yourself."
Really, though? Like...getting married? Aaaaaaaaawkward.

It also didn't help much that the Groom's mother was something more appropriate for a funeral than a wedding. (another aaaawkward...)

Anywho, the rest of the night was pretty uneventful except for one little thing:

No offense to the Bride (okay, maybe a little offense since you *did* completely frickin' ignore me when I tried to be all nice to you during the receiving line), but Baby Bee stole the show! She was totally in the zone that night and had just about every woman in the building sighing in adoration.

Here she is cutting up a rug with Mr. Bee and I:
(Sorry for how blurry the photo is!) I had no idea she was so obsessed with dancing, but any time I ~~got exhausted~~ needed a break, she would freak out and start yelling "Dan! Dan! Dan!" (Translation: Dance! Dance! Dance!) while pointing to the dance floor.

We ended up leaving the party at 10 p.m., but I think our little party girl had many hours of dancing left in her. I can't wait to see what fly moves she has for weddings we'll be attending this coming summer!

Song title: Dancing Queen by ABBA

Wordless Weekend

2009-01-10T09:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, I could never be *completely* wordless. It's against my nature.

Here is a not so recent photo of Baby Bee to keep you entertained through the weekend.

Fill in the Blank:
Baby Bee is making this face because _______________.

PS: Why do babies always sleep in on the weekends when your husband is around to help, but never on the mornings when you have to taken care of them solo?!

PPS: I get to go to a wedding this evening as a...wait for it...GUEST! Scathing judgmental reviews to come.

Baby You've Been On My Mind

2009-01-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

My old/new obsession
How come the minute you decide that you are ready to have another baby, you suddenly can not think of anything else?

Is it the hormones? Well, I guess I haven't actually conceived yet, so that's probably not right.

Maybe it's just a defense mechanism designed to keep pregnancy entertaining and blind you from everything it's taken 20 months to forget?

All I know is that I am now obsessed with maternity clothes. And I'm not talking your run-of-the-mill maternity muu muus:

Aren't they pretty?!

Well they should be for $125 a piece.

That's right, my friends. Not only am I obsessed with pregnancy and prego clothes, I'm obsessed with fancy schmancy prego clothes.

I found this website, Isabella Oliver, before I realized that it is basically the maternity shop to the stars. I'm determined to look cute this go around. When I was prego with Baby Bee, I looked like a billboard for the juniors department of Nordstrom. You know, if they were sponsoring Juno, but old and not as cute or something.

But I don't know if I can drop that much money on clothes. I would argue that it's a ridiculous amount to spend on clothes that will only be worn 9 months, but, to be honest, I probably rotate most of my clothes that often anyway.

Except most of my shirts don't cost $125 a piece.

Right now I'm wearing a shirt from the juniors department of JC Penney.

It was "Buy One, Get One Free."

'nuf said.

Baby You've Been On My Mind by Linda Ronstadt

You Might Recall (Updated)

2009-01-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

Doesn't Baby Bee look so peaceful in her crib? Nothing but sweet dreams of Elmo and gummy snacks drifting through her precious little head while she sleeps, safe in bed.

Well, apparently, she would be better off in one of these:
Tuesday afternoon I found out, through my Consumer Product Safety Commission Recall Emails, that Baby Bee's crib has been recalled.

Update: The reason the crib has been recalled is because the slats are so weak that babies/toddlers have kicked them hard enough to actually break them. Then, of course, those little ones can get caught trying to wiggle out of their pen. Usually that won't worry me too much, but Baby Bee actually makes a sport out of seeing how hard she can kick the crib slats!

So now I have to battle the guilt of still putting Baby Bee to sleep in said death trap until the weekend comes and I can buy a new crib with Mr. Bee.

Okay, so the crib isn't really a death trap (no children have actually been hurt in it), but there has to be some liability when I know about a recall and yet keep using the recalled item, right?

Oh, you thought I was worried about Bee's safety?

Uh, yeah. That too.

The furniture company has this ridiculous list of things you have to do before you can get a refund/new crib. First, you have to register your crib online. Then, they will send you a FedEx package of instructions.

You now will have to dismantle your crib and mail to them some bolt and labels and stuff to prove to them that (1) you have said crib, and (2) you aren't using it anymore (hence the bolt, etc.).

THEN, two weeks later after you submit a virgin sacrifice, you might receive your VOUCHER for a crib at the store that sold you a shitty crib in the first place.

Really though? Because the first thought I had after reading that the crib was recalled was "Hey! I should go straight back to that same store and buy ANOTHER piece of shitty furniture! I COMPLETELY trust them now!!"

Oy.

Can you believe that they make you go crib-less for two weeks while they process your claim? Am I just supposed to put Baby Bee is a cardboard box or something?!

Hmmm...maybe the entertainment cabinet will work...

Luckily, said Baby Store will generously allow us to purchase a new crib now and then refund our money later when we get the voucher.

Seriously, I'm really happy that they are being cool. 'Cause I don't know if that box will hold her for long.

Song title: You Might Recall by Genesis

Peace Is Just A Word

2009-01-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

(Stolen from an email forward)

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve "inner peace" is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha mainder of a botl Prozic and Valumscriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr who fikin gud I fel.

Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

Song title: Peace Is Just A Word by the Eurythmics

Lazy Days

2009-01-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

Phew! I'm exhausted.
I think I've recently pushed laziness to a whole new level.

Yesterday, I not only had my dry cleaning picked up by a delivery service, but I also had my groceries delivered to my front door.

Totally awesome.

First, let me tell you how cool this dry cleaning service is. It's 1-800-Dry-Clean and not only do they have comparable prices to your run-of-the-mill dry cleaners, they will pick up and drop off your clothes...wait for it... for FREE!! For you muckity mucks (read: not SAHMs) that actually wear dry-clean-required clothing every day, they even have weekly service you can sign up for.

Since my daily wardrobe consists of ~~jeans~~ tracksuits and ~~blouses~~ tee shirts, I think I won't need another pick up until 2010.

Next, I sat around the house (which is about a 2 minute drive from a grocery store) waiting for my Albertsons grocery delivery. Hop online, punch out your shopping list and you can have your groceries delivered to your house the next day! There is a $12 delivery fee, though. But $12 is a small price to pay to avoid what is sure to be a catastrophic temper tantrum from me Baby Bee the minute we step in to, well, any public place.

The only big complaint I have about the groceries is that I requested two crown of broccoli.

And they gave me six.

Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to do with six crowns of broccoli?! Especially with Mr. Bee out of town with work (normally I could just cook up all six crowns and he'd just sit and munch like a friggin' bunny on those suckers).

I suppose I could (gasp) eat them...

Nah, I'll think of some other use for them.

Song title: Lazy Days by 10cc

Recipe

2009-01-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

Off topic and random

Found a great tasting (and simple) recipe for building a balsamic glaze.

Ingredients
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup water
1 1/2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon brown sugar, packed plus
1 teaspoon brown sugar, packed

Combine all the ingredients and reduce. Easy peesy.

Bon appetit and whatnot.

Song title: Recipe by G. Love & Special Sauce

Billion Dollar Babies

2009-01-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

Cha-Ching
And so it begins. The endless spending of dollars on the childrens.

Besides the money we're wasting on the un-used condoms we have stocked up on in the past two years (sorry, Dad. I'm sure you weren't expecting to read that so early in the morning), I have officially spent my first dollar(s) on the not-yet-conceived fruit of my loins (aka: Cletus the Fetus).

First of all, Dollar Stores ROCK. A tip to those of you who have yet to conceive (or just didn't know this fantastic tidbit), DO NOT waste your money on $28+ pregnancy tests! My general rule is that if I'm going to pee on something, I better not be able to buy a nice, well, anything for the same amount.

When I was attempting to conceive Baby Bee (aka: Felix the Fetus), my Bridezilla Cohort clued me in to the wonderful world of Dollar Stores. Did you know you can buy all the pregnancy and ovulation tests you can carry for only...wait for it...A DOLLAR (each)?! And, believe me, we did. (I'll admit, while we were there I DID actually turn to my friend and ask why there weren't prices on anything. I'm chalking it up to pre-Momnesia, okay?)

In fact, we bought so many pregnancy tests in one visit that the Aurora (read: not the nicest area of Seattle) store clerk responded that we, the glamazon white girls, were "keeping it ghetto."

That's right, son. You never knew that Mama Bee was a fly motha - shut yo mouth!

Anywho, if you are looking to save money in what will be an endless money pit (aka: your lovable, squeezable baby), go to your local Dollar Store for some $1 prego tests (or in my case $2.59 prego tests since my "Dollar Plus" store is, well, more on the PLUS side of things).

Yesterday, Baby Bee and I visited our local Dollar Store (Plus) to stock up on what I predict will be a few months of peeing on a lot of pee sticks. Because I'm not the kind of mom/person that says, "Oh, I'll just wait until my body tells me I'm pregnant and then, only then, will I pee on a stick. I'll just be patient."

Oh no.

My plan is to pretty much push Mr. Bee off of me and pee on a stick IMMEDIATELY after attempting to conceive.

I'm just keepin' it real, yo.

Song title: Billion Dollar Babies by Alice Cooper

I've Come For My Award

2009-01-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

And the nominees are...
Here I am, minding my own bidness over here in my little corner of the blogosphere, when what to my wondrous eyes does appear...oh, wait, that's Santa.

Well, color me just as shocked to receive my *first* blog award from my simpatico (can I use that as a noun?), Lazy Housewife at So Not Domestic. LH and I happened upon each other in a busy cafe, one rainy day. Our eyes met across the crowded room and it was magic. Oh wait, that's not it. We just met on Twitter somehow.

LH was, if I remember correctly through my haze of Momnesia, one of my very first "followers" (very cult-like, huh?). She's was there when I had only three or four followers. Now that I have 16, I do my best to not let it get to my head - I promise I'll always remember the little people that got me to where I am today.

LH has seen it all and has provided not only great Twitter comments, but her blog is a fantastic combination of recipes and reasons why you should be lazy and not cook anything. If you need any more convincing, her blog is also apparently the place to find bad credit, loan consolidation, dirty guy parts, and excessive underarm odor (all according to Google Ads, of course, not me!).

But I digress.

So the award I won was the Lemonade Award. Apparently Lazy Housewife missed the fine print that (again, according to Google) this award is passed to bloggers for showing great Attitude and/or Gratitude. Ahahahahah! SUCKERS!

I'm taking this fucker and running! It's mine! ALL MINE!! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BACK!

But before I high-tail it to the border (I'm still debating the benefits of Mexico v. British Columbia), I must follow the rules of the award or face a fate more horrific than I can imagine (being forced to watch Eleventh Hour, maybe?). The rules for getting the award are: First you have to give props to the person who bestowed the award upon you in the first place (please reference my rambling Ode to Lazy Housewife above). Second you have to nominate 10 bloggers that you'd like to give the award to. Sounds easy enough, right?

Here are my nominees (in no particular order):

1. Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka
Because don't we all? And despite (or maybe because of) her incontinence, she continues to get a chuckle out of me with every single post.

2. Rebecca at Girl's Gone Child
Don't we all feel our skinny jeans deserve a letter of apology for abandonment? Her transition from party girl to momma is fascinating (especially to us squares who never did *anything* exciting in our youth when we could've gotten away with it).

3.Guwi at Sometimes I Think Funny Things
Because nothing makes me chuckle more than imagining Jesus filling Advent Calendars with candy and squirrels changing traffic lights.

4. Ashley at/in Ashley's Closet
Although I do admittedly live in a dream land where squirrels change traffic signals, I am not delusional enough to assume that Ashley knows or reads this POS blog. But I super heart her nonetheless! Between Big Kid on Twitter and Little Kid, well, getting in to everything else, this lady manages to somehow keep a smile on her face (and on mine when I read her musings). Make sure you comment on her blog to qualify for her Closet Cruise when she *really* makes it big. Oh, and I wouldn't recommend you let her babysit your baby animals. But besides that, she's all good!

5. Nanny Goats In Panties
Need I say more?

6. Pearl at Pearls of Wisdom
Whether she's dealing with Baby, hospital visits, or interpreting Manslations from her husband, Pearl always keeps me in stitches. I
especially look forward to her funny comments she leaves on my blog! I have to say, she might be my #1 Commenter!

7. Jaci at Ravings of a Mad Housewife
Because she says all the stuff you are thinking. And because her Inappropriate Church Conversation is pretty representative of every conversation that I have (or ever have had).

8. Mr. Lady at Whiskey in My Sippy Cup
Let me count the ways I ::heart:: Mr. Lady... (1) She is ridiculously honest and open about, well, everything. (2) I can use her to view my imminent future. (3) She takes naked photos of herself. (4) Did I mention my imminent future (I can guarantee you that I won't be substituting "beautiful" any time soon)?

9. Kelcey at the Mama Bird Diaries
Besides her totally funny posts, I get such a kick out of seeing what hilarious combination of swim suits, princess dresses and snow gear her two beautiful daughters will wear on any given day.

10. RO at It Was Funny In My Head
In my group of lady friends we have many sets of "twins". Brain Twins, Food Brain Twins, etc. Well, RO is my Bloggy Brain Twin. Technically she hasn't posted anything since November (for shame!) but hopefully this award will get the ol' creative juices flowing once again!

Phew! Holy shit, this turned in to a looong post, huh? Oh well. Maybe it will qualify me for the Most Verbose Award or something...

Song title: I've Come For My Award by The Beautiful South

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-03T18:35:00.000-08:00

Here is a Year-In-Review to help me be more funny and concise (Resolution #1).
(stolen from Becky at Mommy Wants Vodka)

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
I bought a house that isn't older than I am! Our previous home was about 6 years older than I am and boy, did it show. Hopefully I won't be so run down when I'm 35...

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Honestly, I don't know that I made any resolutions last year, but I'm sure they would've been to sell our house and lose weight. We were lucky enough to sell the house in May and somehow I dropped the rest of my baby weight from Baby Bee this year just in time to get knocked up and fat again in 2009. Hence, my resolutions for 2009 are: (1) lose more weight, (2) get pregnant, and (3) try not to gain 800 pounds with said fetus.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Sissy had 3 of 3 in February! This year was more the Year of the Wedding than the Year of the Baby with my friends, though.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Luckily, no. Mr. Bee had some work collegues pass away, but not any super close friends or relatives.

5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
A flat stomach? Yeah, I'm guessing my stomach is going to be bigger in 2009 than it was in 2008...

Less stress? It was looking good, but now I think I'm going to keep working so that changes things a bit.

How about less trivial arguments with Mr. Bee? That would be nice!

6. What countries did you visit?
While technically not a "country," I'm totally going to count going to New Jersey for Sissy's 3 of 3's birth. Everything there is just...different.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
I'm gonna go with Baby Bee's first birthday party. A lot of planning went in to that and I think it went off well.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
A couple things come to mind:
- starting this blog and not abandoning it after a week
- the fact that people other than Sissy and Mrs. J actually read this POS of a blog
- Baby Bee recognizing all her letters by 19ish months. I gotta take some credit for that craziness!
- not killing myself and/or others when forced to live in an apartment for 3 months while in between houses
- learning how to live (somewhat) frugally [parenthetical added by Mr. Bee]
- purchasing my first ever (nice) new appliances! Fancy fridges and washer/dryers are awesome!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Well, geez. I don't think anything I did this year was an epic fail or anything...If I really think hard I can come up with:
- not exposing Baby Bee to more things outside of the house (playdates, childrens museums, etc.)
- not working harder on my business
- slacking on yard work that desperately needs to be done
- letting motherhood overwhelm me and my self-confidence
- letting the changes in my body after blowing out my babyhole affect how I perceive myself (both emotionally and physically)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Did you forget the Traumatic Toe Incident of 2008?! Totally crippling.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
This:

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Anyone who voted for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Anyone who voted in support of Proposition 8 in California. For shame, people. For shame.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Most definitely this:

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I gotta go with this:

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Viva La Vida by Coldplay, even though it's totally a rip-off.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Do I have to be either? I think I'm about the same, honestly.

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner! YIPPPPEEEE! (oy, not for long. Son of a...)

iii. richer or poorer? 'bout the same?

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Spent time with my husband. Only one more month of him working away from home.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Arguing.

20. What was your favorite TV program?
Uh, do you know me at all? Hi. I'm Mama Bee and I'm a TiVo Junkie. To force me to pick just one television show is surely against the Geneva Convention in regards to cruel and unusual punishment so I'll try to narrow it down to a half dozen or so:
- Burn Notice
- Pushing Daisies
- Big Bang Theory
- Psych
- How I Met Your Mother
- The Amazing Race (you gotta love the guy so uncoordinated he couldn't even do a WALKING challenge)
- The Office (Mr. Bee got mad at me a few weeks ago when I was constantly laughing through out the entire episode and he couldn’t hear the dialog over my cackling.)

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Yikes. "Hate" is a pretty strong word. I gotta say no. Tempting, but no.

22. What was the best book you read?
Do blogs count?

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
American Idol for the Wii. Okay, others may not think that me screaming in to a microphone and waking my baby from a deep ~~coma~~ nap is a "great musical discovery", but Paula Abdul said I was amazing. 'Cause, you know, she's a very discerning judge of talent. She wouldn't just say that to any body, would she?

I also discovered Julia Nunes this year on YouTube. Totally fab.

24. What was your favorite film of this year?
Wow. That's totally assuming that I am a hip hipster that actually leaves the house sans child to go to grown-up movies. Luckily I have a, uh, relative who enjoys being a pirate (arrrr!), so I get to see lots of good movies via DVD (if I ever get around to watching them). My choices (because I am indecisive): Dark Knight for action. Sex & The City Movie for fluffy girlie fun. *Disclaimer: I seriously have only watched like five movies this year so this is not a very well-educated critique!*

25. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
I turned a whopping 29 in 2008 and is it bad that I totally don't remember what I did? I think I did brunch...wait no! Melting Pot! Super yums!

26. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being independently wealthy and magically having all stress zapped away. Get working on that, will ya?

27. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I think my style is like if Charlotte from S&TC wasn't rich and had to wear mom jeans to hold her gut in.

28. What kept you sane?
This is sane?!

29. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I have a serious "tv crush" (as I like to call it) on Denny Duquette from Grey's Anatomy (otherwise known as Jeffrey Dean Morgan). Did you know that Morgan hails from Seattle? Yeah, just about shat myself when I found that out.

30. What political issue stirred you the most?
Besides the general election, Prop 8 in California and the insanity revolving around an anti-religion sign posted at our state capitol building for the holidays. Even got a death threat with that last one!

31. Whom did you miss?
My pre-pregnancy body and my friends when motherhood trumped socializing.

32. Who was the best new person you met?
Definitely all my new blog and mom group friends. Also, even though it is not a "new" person, I have started a new friendship with one of Mr. Bee's longtime friends (which is cool and weird and deserves a post devoted to it).

33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Well, I learned it in 2007 and 2008, but here it is:
Even though you might think that you could never love another person as much as you love your husband/wife/partner/significant other/dog/cat/turtle/etc., you do not know true, all-consuming love until you have child. (Disclaimer: I friggin' hate people who say "you just couldn't understand unless you are a parent..." so I apologize if this comes off all douchey.)

Being a mom has taught me love, patience, selflessness, discipline, strength (physical and mental strength) and, above all, how to be just plain silly!

34. What quote sums up your year?
I've got two:
"Meow, meow." and "Jealous??"

Happy New Year, everybody!

Song title: New Year's Resolution by Apartment 26

What's Going On

2009-01-02T15:15:00.000-08:00

Wazzup, my gnomies?
So, how ya been? Long time, no see, right?

Well, like many of you, I dropped off the face of the planet recently to deal with the Holidays and Work. I'll do my best to fill you in (in an abbreviated form so you don't get too bored with me).

ChristmaHanaKwanzika (aka: Festivus)
Just like Turkey Day, we had to parcel out Christmas celebrations to three different families (but at least with Christmas you have more than one day you can celebrate on). We started by celebrating with my family on Christmas Eve...

Oh my gosh, I'm totally forgetting to tell you the best part!

::REWIND::

For those of you that don't have the 411, Mr. Bee has a slowly degenerative liver condition. He was diagnosed almost five years ago and there isn't much you can do except try to treat the symptoms and once in a while have a procedure done to help open up the ducts in the liver (if they get blocked). So Mr. Bee decided to schedule a doctor's check up for December 22nd. Not too bad, right? He had some time off so it made sense to schedule it then. He went in and the doctor suggested he have an imaging procedure done to see if any of his ducts were indeed blocked. Since you get knocked out for this procedure, Mr. Bee wouldn't be allowed to drive himself home after the appointment. Naturally, I would drop the Mr. off for the appointment with Baby Bee and pick him up afterwards.

This is when Mr. Bee is super smert and scheduled the appointment for 8 a.m. the next morning.

In Seattle.

On Christmas Eve Eve.

During Snowpacolypse.

So the Mr., Baby Bee and I all had to pack up the SUV and drop Mr. Bee off at a friend's house in Seattle so he could stay the night and somehow get through all the snow and ice to the hospital by 8 a.m. (because he *is* smart enough to know that I am not getting my ass AND Bee up around 6 o'clock in the morning to drive him up in the snow for his appointment).

We get all settled back and home and are just waiting to pick him up the next day around noon when we find out that his ducts *were* blocked and they had to perform ANOTHER procedure while they were in there. All is fine, but he'll have to stay overnight.

That is, we can pick him up on Christmas Eve.

Long story long, we finally got to pick him up and visit with my family but that holiday celebration was just a bit more stressful than it needed to be. Oy.

The In-Laws
On Christmas morning, we had just about enough time to get up, open presents, eat, dress, and then we were off to Mr. Bee's Mom's place for Christmas brunch. We all opened presents and had a good time, but I have to say just one thing...

Why would someone insist on wish/gift lists and then completely disregard them?

I thought I did a really good job this year of thinking of things that were affordable and even (gasp) functional to put on my Christmas list, but then all I ended up with was, well, not stuff on the list. I know I sound like a greedy brat, but I put a lot of effort in to that list! And if we're expected to get something for you off of YOUR list, how about you return the favor, k?

But I digress...

As we were scheduling all the holiday celebrations, we were once again invited down to the middle-of-nowhere-ville to visit Mr. Bee's Dad and Family. Even though I thoroughly ~~was tortured with~~ enjoyed the last visit, this time I pleasantly ~~demanded~~ invited them to drive up to us and see our new house.

They replied that they would love to but had to keep on eye on Snowpacolypse to determine when they could come up and visit. That's fair, right? I thought so.

That is until they gave us a whopping three hours of notice that they'd be stopping by.

Now, I don't know about you, but whenever we celebrate Christmas, it pretty much looks like Santa vomited toys, wrapping paper, boxes, etc. all over our entire house. And, since we hadn't gotten substantial notice of their visit, we didn't even have anything in the house suitable for consumption for seven people (besides a ridiculous amount of fudge and a pound of See's chocolates).

For the next three hours, Mr. Bee and I ran around like crazy people, throwing toys and garbage in cabinets and buying food that would be acceptable for a Three-Days-After-Christmas-Celebration. Luckily, the visit was pretty short and painless and we won't have to do it again until Turkey Chase '09.

The Good Stuff
Since this post is getting a bit long, I'll just leave you with a pretty photo of my favorite Christmas/Push Present gift from Mr. Bee.

Technically I bought it for myself through Mrs. J., but let's just all play along and say that Mr. Bee saw it and thought of me, okay?

Next Post: A New Year's Eve Wedding Makes Me Rethink Quitting My Job

Song title: What's Going On by All-Star Tribute

It's Not Over Until It's Over

2008-12-30T09:50:00.000-08:00

Seriously, is it over yet?
Sorry I've been totally MIA. After three family celebrations, now I'm tackling my (maybe) last wedding (ever). It's on New Year's Eve so the pressure is really on.

I promise I'll be back soon with countless tales of Gifts Gone Bad and The Wacky In-Laws. Until then, I'll leave you with a premature Wordless Wednesday.

This is sooo how I feel right now. It'll be over soon, right?

Song title: It's Not Over Until It's Over by Balance of Power

More Than A Feeling

2008-12-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

How I'm Feeling This Morning

Song title: More Than A Feeling by No Mercy

Christmas Time Is Here

2008-12-23T09:19:00.000-08:00

Snowflakes in the air...
Uh, what the hell is up with the weather this year! I'm not complaining (although I'd happily give one of my ovaries for a piping hot tall soy pumpkin spice Starbucks latte right now. Sigh). Here is our week here is Washington: (the photos are much more impressive if you click on them!)

The Backyard

The Front Yard
Before

After (Current)

As cabin-fever-insanity-inducing as this weather is, you can't help but get in to the Christmas spirit with all this great snow around. Of course, it would help if I wasn't totally freaking out that UPS and/or FedEx still haven't delivered the rest of the family's presents. Oh, and I kind of forgot about a few things that I need to buy. heh. heh. Yeah, that's gonna suck this afternoon. Wish me luck.

I'm guessing this will be my last post for a few days as, well, I've got way too much shit to do. And, while I beg to differ, I'm guessing the "sorry I had to blog" excuse will not suffice if I come empty-handed to Christmas dinner(s), don't get my shopping done, and/or fail to pick up Mr. Bee from a medical procedure today.

And yes, all those topics DO deserve posts of their own. Soon, my little ones, I promise! In the meantime:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Song title: Christmas Time Is Here by A Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack

100 Stories

2008-12-22T10:15:00.000-08:00

Stolen from Lazy Housewife @ So Not Domestic, here is a fun time waster as you sit out Blizzard Snowpacolypse 2008.

RULES: There are 100 statements and you bold the ones you have done. Grab it and play for yourself!!

1. Started your own blog (done x 2)
2. Slept under the stars (does under a tent count?)
3. Played in a band (I call my band on Rock Band 'Sour Milk'. I was still breastfeeding at the time of creation.)
4. Visited Hawaii (done x 3)
5. Watched a meteor shower (I can never really see them very well, though.)
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. (Probably not MORE than I can afford...)
7. Been to Disneyland (done x infinity. Seriously I have no idea how many times I've been.)
8. Climbed a mountain. (done x 2. Confirmed that I am officially NOT an outdoorsy girl. I prefer a latte and no bugs/dirty/cold/wet/did I mention no bugs?)
9. Held a praying mantis (Ew.)
10. Sang a solo (Who do you think is the lead singer of 'Sour Milk'?!)
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (What? Please see answer to #8.)
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (I know, I still haven't posted my artwork...I will someday, I promise.)
15. Adopted a child (Does my husband count?)
16. Had food poisoning (Not fun.)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (Scariest fucking thing ever. Gawd, I hate heights.)
18. Grown your own vegetables (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Uh, no.)
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept in an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (Aaaah. I long for the days of taking sick days. Not an option now.)
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping (Rawr.)
27. Run a marathon (hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! No.)
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice (I've been TO Venice though! It was way too pricey and not enough time to go in a gondola, though...So sad.)
29. Seen a total eclipse (solar)
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise (Sigh. Mama needs a vacation. Preferably an all-inclusive one with lots of food.)
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (Does Southern California count?)
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language (Pig Latin, bitches!)
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person (We refused to take The Photo of us holding it up, though.)
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David (Technically we saw the replica, but it was in Florence so I'm counting it.)
41. Sung karaoke (Rocked it!)
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person (Does the outside count?)
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain (Uh, I live in Seattle, for Christ's Sake. Not many options.)
53. Played in the mud
55. Been in a movie (Does homemade porn count? Oh, then no.) (KIDDING!!)
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business (Dude. I am so rocking this list.)
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (ATE Girl Scout Cookies?)
62. Gone whale watching (Not many whales that day, though.)
63. Got flowers for no reason (Don't kid yourself. There is always a reason.)
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check (I'm sure I did in high school or something.)
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (Please define. Like "saved" religiously? "Saved" from imminent death? Or just kept around?...)
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten cavier.
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone (Yay! I can finally say yes!)
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican (So super cool. Man, I want to go back to Italy again.)
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper (I'm counting this as I have been in magazines and newspapers a few times. Photo, I'm not sure.)
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (McDonald's counts, right?)
88. Had chicken pox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit (Lesson #1: Don't fuck with Mama Bee.)
98. Owned a cell phone (Done x infinity)
99. Been stung by a bee (On the lip. Not fun.)
100. Read an entire book in one day (The Bible.) (Kidding.)

45 down, 55 to go...

Song title: 100 Stories by Alkaline Trio

Tick, Tick, Tick

2008-12-20T08:30:00.000-08:00

Tick...Tick...Tick...
What's that? Oh, just my ovaries ticking. Never you mind those. It'll go away on it's own, right?

...

A week ago, we went up to Seattle for Mr. Bee's Company Holiday ~~Party~~ Dinner (surely if there is only cocktails and dinner, one can not call that a party, right?). Somehow everyone and their mom (okay, maybe not literally their moms...) has come down with a really horrible, debilitating condition.

Pregnancy.

And for pretty much everyone I know, it's Numeros Dos de los ninos. (That's Number Two for you dumbies out there.) So, of course, practically every person I spoke to asked us, "When are you guys going to have another?!".

To which I answered, "When I stop loving to drink!" and then downed a mouthful of rum from my ginormous cocktail.

But to be honest, I have been thinking more about the when, where and how...

How: Hmmm...well, I'm guessing Mr. Bee will be involved somehow, but no funny business, I promise.

Where: I'll go out on a limb here and just say that it will probably occur within the city limits. Which city, I ain't saying.

When: Damn, what is this? The Spanish Inquisition? (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!!)

My husband is still working 2+ hours away from home, 4 days a week (but has been home for the last few weeks which I think has affected my stance on the issue). But ~~my ovaries have started calling~~ I'm starting think I might be ready for another. Or more accurately, that in 9+ months I could possibly be ready for another.

Which has got me thinking and remembering my last pregnancy.

I had forgotten how scary pregnancy is. Sure, all that vomiting and peeing every five minutes is a thrill ride of fun. But beneath all the excitement, I remember this kind of overwhelming fear and worry.

Will my baby be okay? Will she be healthy? Will we be okay if she's not? Do I get tested to see if she will have an 11th toe or do I just wait to find out later?

I will worry about eating right. About gaining enough, but not too much weight. About taking my prenatal vitamins and seeing the doctor regularly.

And then you get tackled by something completely out of left field.

When I was around 7 months or so pregnant with Bee, I woke around 3 a.m. for my hourly hardly-wake-up-to-pee-in-the-dark-session. It was just a regular night until (sorry for the TMI) I finished up peeing and found that I was bleeding.

I have never been so scared in my entire life.

I immediately yelled at Mr. Bee from the bathroom for him to wake up and told him what was going on. I laid down in bed while he tried to contact the on-call doctor on the phone. After leaving a message with the message service and waiting 15 minutes, my general opinion was "fuck them" and we called 911. Pretty embarrassing to have an ambulance full of aid people in my bedroom at 3 o'clock in the morning, but at least none of them were super hot. Now *that* would have been a cause for alarm!

Long story, well, long (sorry), we ended up going to the local hospital to be monitored and everything appeared to be okay. It never happened again and they never had an explanation for me.

But despite all of that, I'll (mostly) voluntarily do it all again.

At least I have another month before it even becomes an option to get knocked up 'cause girlfriend ain't gonna be all nauseous and tired without a hubbie around to help in the evenings. So not an option.

But, in the meantime, pass the wine!

Song title: Tick, Tick, Tick by My Dream Is Yours

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

2008-12-19T14:30:00.000-08:00

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...
Okay, so if you happen to be one of the four people who read this blog that don't live in the glorious state that is Washington, we've had quite a week of weather. Saturday thru Tuesday we were dealing with traces of snow but a lot of ice. Steve Pool/Rich Marriott/Rick VanCise, who combined don't know their asses from a thermometer, all said that a big storm was a-coming Wednesday. So what does everyone in the state do? Freak the crap out.

Now, I'm not making fun. People around the nation seem to think it's hilarious that Western Washington is brought to a stand still when it snows 2 inches. Well, here is an update for those retards: We hardly ever get any serious snow here. In fact, I'm pretty sure the entire Washington Department of Transportation has like 1.5 snowplows and for some reason 1 1/4 of them get sent to West Seattle. Us in the South End get like a 1/2 cup of table salt.

Also, this same theory applies to summer weather. When people start complaining in Washington because the temperature is reaching the 90's, please, dear God, please remember that maybe 1 in 800 trillion Washingtonians actually have air conditioning in their house. The rest of us with West facing houses are doomed to sweat off our winter blubber with maybe one or two box fans pointed at us (if we're lucky).

But I digress.

Due to Winter Storm 2008 (Bum! Bum! BUUUUUM!) I ran my ass ragged Monday and Tuesday going shopping for presents. This is what Mr. Bee found when he ventured out on Monday:

Please note the TIRE TRACKS going through not only our front yard, but also our neighbor's AND their neighbor's yards!

Seriously, WTF? It wasn't that icy out! Some douche nozzle must have been being really reckless, I imagine. Whoever did this is sooooo lucky that they didn't hit our car or house. Someone would have been hurt (and I don't mean by the crash.)

Anywho, after fighting off the toothless and apparently showerless at Voldemart, I settled in on Wednesday for a blizzard of epic proportions. When I woke up, this is pretty much what I saw out my window:

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but let's just say there were no snow banks to be seen and the roads were actually clearer on Wednesday than earlier in the week. Mama was ::this:: close to stomping up to Seattle to kick Steve Pool in the nards for making me rush around on the ice, but then realized that making Xmas cookies and sitting on the couch would be way more fun.

Well, imagine my surprise when it actually started to snow on Thursday!

Today the snow is still on ground and actually causing crazy havoc in all parts of Western Washington. This has got to be the coolest shit that has happened in the Seattle area for a while because the news stations are all over it!

As with all bus related crashes, I blame Keanu Reeves and Dennis Hopper. Bastards.

Song title: Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! by Dean Martin or Bette Midler or Ella Fitzgerald or Harry Connick, Jr. or Johnny Mathis or Jessica Simpson (really though?), etc.

The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

2008-12-18T11:20:00.000-08:00

I. Hate. Walmart.
On Tuesday, I was forced to shop at Walmart in order to finish my Xmas shopping. I say "forced" because ever since the documentary Walmart: The High Cost of Low Prices, Mr. Bee & I pretty much refuse to spend money at the soul-sucking, small-town-ruining, employee-abusing corporation. In fact, we regularly refer to it as The Store That Shall Not Be Named or, as my husband humorously concocted, VoldeMart.

Despite our dislike for the company, every once in a while we are forced to shop there for gifts because my in-laws LOVE Walmart. For years I've tried to influence both my husband and his parents towards the Quality end of the expensive=quality/inexpensive=crap purchasing spectrum. It's taken about 7+ years, but I've finally convince Mr. Bee.

My in-laws? Not so much.

In fact, they would rather have cheaper items so they don't have to maintain them. I've pretty much given up and decided that I'll just give them the stuff they want so they'll be happy, even though I'd be happier knowing that I'm not throwing money away on crappy products...

But I digress.

So, Tuesday I packed up the baby and headed off to The Store. I had to go to a different VoldeMart than the local one because they carried a particular gift I was looking for. I glanced at the map online and figured it must be pretty well developed area right off the freeway and how could I possibly miss a Walmart. I mean, come on. It's Walmart.

Well, I was wrong. Apparently this is the ONE store in the area that doesn't believe in signage AND isn't locating directly on the main road. How the crap does anyone find this place if you weren't born in middle-of-nowhere-ville?! And why is parking always horrible at Walmart? I had to spend like a half hour driving around the parking lot hunting for a spot, fighting with the ancient Ford Probes and Camaros circling like sharks.

After parking in what seemed like Canada, Bee and I began the hike through an ice-coated parking lot to the main entrance. Once we entered the store, I practically go in to heat stroke and have to strip Baby Bee and I down to practically our skivvies. Why can store never get the temperature right? In the summer, when your dressed appropriately for 90 degree weather, the stores will be frigidly cold with air conditioning. Then in the winter, when you are obviously going to be bundled up to survive the 17 degree weather outside, the stores will pump up the heat like you are in a Turkish bath. What the hell!

After fighting with shoppers for a shopping cart, I'm instantly overwhelmed by the fussing and screaming babies.

Oh, wait. That was Bee.

Between Bee screaming and crying with snot dripping out of her nose and trying to navigate the horribly labeled aisles full of, well, complete crap, I somehow manage to find this jem for my Ugly Christmas Sweater Bunco Fiesta:

*****

Side note: First of all, shitty picture, right? I look about 50 years old and well, this photo kind of makes me throw up in my mouth a little. While doing my hair and makeup for the party, I just kind of gave up halfway through. I mean, no amount of beautifying can make this outfit better, right?

And, oh yeah, baby, that's a poinsettia turtleneck, too. AND, the reason I look about 800 pounds is because this beautiful, ~~hand-crafted~~ mass-produced piece of art only came in three sizes: Large, Extra Large, and Seriously You Need To Go On The Biggest Loser Post Haste.

*****

After finding the requisite presents (with no help from the despondent Walmart "associates," thank you very much), I ran my ass out of there as fast as I could.

Like every year, I once again pledge that I will never give that germ-ridden store another dollar.

Until next Christmas anyway.

Song title: The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most by Dashboard Confessional

Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-17T00:01:00.000-08:00

At this last weekend's annual Santabator party, I got a gift that will provide me with weeks and weeks of WW fodder:

That's right. A whole book of postcards to tell that someone special how you feel. With baby animals to soften the blow, that is. Here are a couple of gems to get us started on our first Wordless Wednesday (even though they technically have words, though...oh well, I try...)

Little Martha

2008-12-15T08:00:00.000-08:00

A little delayed on the blogging (sorry!) but we finally got all our Christmas decorations up!

(Sorry about the photo - it was really foggy the night we finished the house!)We decided to go simple with the lights this year. First, we realized that we would be flirting with disaster by attempting to get lights on the upper roof line of the new house. Hence, the first story lights only! Also, we figured that if we set the neighborhood expectations low so every year we could add to the house, slowly blowing their unimaginative minds!

I slaved for ~~minutes~~ days and days making my Christmas garland and wreathes. But really, I did put all those ornaments on myself!

I just about pooped myself when I realized that the new house has a real honest to God banister!!

The weekend after Thanksgiving, Mr., Baby Bee, and I went out to a neighboring "tree farm" to cut down a tree. We were gonna let Bee play with the saw, but someone told us it'd probably be a bad idea.

For some reason, anything and everything has become a camera to Bee. Here she is "taking a picture" with the tape measure.

The final product! Bee loves sitting (or laying on her tummy) near the tree and gazing up lovingly at it. It's friggin' adorable! She often waves "Heh-Woh" or "Bye-ee" to the "Twee".

This weekend we visited the local Nordstrom to get that special photo of the baby with Santa. We were hoping to get something like this:

But instead, got something closer to this:

The photo won't be available for pick up until the 20th, but don't worry - I'll definitely post the hilarity that is our belated Xmas card this year!

Song title: Little Martha By The Allman Brothers Band

Christmas Is Coming

2008-12-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been chock full of Christmas-ey goodness! Friday night I traveled through super crappy traffic to the Dirty North for...

Santabator! (A photo history)

Like I previously described, the 'Bator festivities began with a LOT of food.Like, kind of a ridiculous amount of food this year.

I think we really out-did ourselves with the presents this year...

Obviously, we prefer non-sophisticated humor.

You, too, can find an owl near you at the closest TJ Maxx.

Jacques, the angry cock.He likes kisses.

Perv, the elf. By far the creepiest gift ever at Santabator.You know, if you don't count Santabator or Mrs. Clause...

This gift deserves a blog post of it's own!Let's just say, it's an inside joke.

Choose your sleep mask: Let's Fuck or Fuck Off!

Did I mention that there was a large amount of Champagne consumed at the party too?

Next Post: Baby Bee makes Santa want to Retire...

Song title: Christmas Is Coming by A Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack

Celebrate and Party

2008-12-10T18:42:00.000-08:00

Jingle Bells
Well, it's officially that time of year. People are preparing for the holidays with various tradtions: sending out Christmas cards, bringing the kids to see Santa, trying to find room in the living room for the Christmas tree, and, of course, listening to the Christmas radio station 24/7 and turning our babies in to consumer whores (kidding, Pearl!).

While all those traditions are fine and dandy, they can't possibly stand up to THE holiday tradition of the season:

Santabator
Santabator is the annual celebration of all things offensive and hilarious. The origins of Santabator are so thick with myth and legend that I don't know the specifics, but you can imagine that the centerpiece of the evening is small toy Santa who is, shall we say, pleasuring himself. Shortly thereafter, Mrs. Clause and her handy candy cane of love joined the festivities, too.

"But Mama Bee, what do you do at said holiday party, pray tell?"

Friend, I thought you'd never ask.

Well, first we usually consume a ridiculous amount of food and alcohol. Then, the showcase of the evening, the presents. Typically the presents range from hilarious to oh-god-I-just-shat-myself hilarious. Here are just a few from last year's shindig:

The presents shown (from left to right) are (1) a Darth Vader helmet that features a voice-altering thing-a-ma-bobber that makes you sound like Darth. You can imagine what we said as Darth. (2) The obligatory phallic sausages. (3) The "oversized" gift set, including gigantic stocking, huge (ornament) balls, large decorative bow, etc.

Following or during the gift exchange, usually Santabator and Mrs. Clause find themselves in some compromising positions...

Did I mention the drinking?

And at some point, I think some baby smuggling occurs. Hell, those little buggers go for a lot on the black market, right?

Happy Santabator to you and yours!

Song title: Celebrate and Party by Hymns

Minor Threat

2008-12-05T15:30:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I got way too caught up in a debate online. The discussion quickly spiraled from a conversation about an anti-theist sign at our state capitol building into a heated debate on the validity of organized religion.

In case you hadn't previously noticed, I kinda sorta like expressing what I think about that (and, well, everything else).

Obviously, I was a big contributor to the debate and while I'm sure my opinions offend a lot of people simply because I am not religious, I tried my damnest to be respectful to the other people on the forum. Well, except for one guy whose main argument was that anyone who doesn't think like him is ignorant. But, you know, whatever.

But then I get reply to one of my posts that stands out just a bit.

You know, 'cause it's kind of threatening my life.

I won't go in to too many details just in case this fruitcake decides to Google his hateful words but it generally said something along the lines of slitting my throat, death to my family and that I must be a big fat pig. Oh, and a "biatch". Cuz nothing is more threatening than sounding like a 13-year-old girl. Really, crazy fruit loop? "Biatch"? You kiss your mom with that mouth?

Any who, the comment got axed by the powers that be and I don't think any one on the forum even saw it but me. Mr. Bee is freaked out, but I kind of knew he'd be and thought twice about even telling him about it.

While I am looking over my shoulder a bit more this morning, I told the Mister that crap like that is the price you pay for speaking up for what you believe in. Or, ironically, what you don't believe in, as the case may be. Hopefully Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs really is an overweight, D&D playing, religious zealot who had to stop watching Babylon 5 long enough to post his hateful words, but just in case he follows through, this is definitely the headstone I want:

Song title: Minor Threat by Minor Threat

The Great Debate

2008-12-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

I cannot stop responding to an online debate on a local news channel about the atheist sign that has been displayed next to the nativity scene in the capitol building in Olympia, Washington. Even The Devil (no, not this devil) has featured it on his show.

Read theology debate online.

Can you guess which one's me? haha.

Song title: The Great Debate by Dream Theater

Undercover Funny

2008-12-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

Despite being stressed out and sleep deprived all. the. time. My hubbie (Mr. Bee) and I love to make each other laugh. The Mister has such a silly sense of humor, but it never ceases to make me giggle.

His favorite thing to do is change lyrics to songs to make them funny (think Weird Al). But every now and then he'll totally crack my shit up unexpectedly, like the other night:

It was just a normal night of tv watching (you're shocked, I know) and due to both normal exhaustion and his liver disease, Mr. Bee headed up early to bed while I continued to watch my beloved TiVo. We smooched and wished each other a goodnight and the Mister headed upstairs to bed.

Hours later, I got my lazy ass off the couch and headed upstairs to bed. As I reached the stairs, I noticed Mister's shirt that he had unbuttoned and left in a pile on the stairs.

"Really, though?" I thought and while ~~grumbling expletives~~ whispering sweet nothings, I picked up his shirt to put it in it's proper place: ~~the bedroom floor~~ ~~the closet floor~~ the laundry hamper.

I had barely finished picking up the shirt when I see his undershirt dumped a little farther up the steps.

"Seriously?!" I'm thinking.

I grab that shirt and head further up the stairs (Jesus, this story makes it sound like I have to go 185 steps to get upstairs...) and notice his JEANS on the second half of the stairwell.

Okay, now it's kind of funny. I'm sure he got a giggle out of stripping down while walking upstairs knowing that I'd find it all soon.

Sidenote: I'm just realizing as I type this that our new house has huge un-curtained windows that face not only the street we live on, but since we live smack dab at an intersection, we face every one driving straight down the street at our house! I wonder if anyone got an eyeful of Mr. Bee that night? My apologies to the neighbors!!

So I'm walking up the stairs, collecting my husbands clothes, and I notice something at the top of the stairs. His underwear?

I pick it up to add it to the stack.

Wait a second.

MY underwear?!

By this time I'm totally laughing my ass off. But then I turn to our master bedroom door and see this:

Of course, I promptly told him that it was blog worthy and that soon all my friends and ~~strangers~~ blog friends will know all about his undressing escapades!

Song title: Undercover Funny by Atom and His Package

Glitter and Be Gay

2008-12-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

As if I didn't before, now I REALLY ::heart:: Margaret Cho, Andy Richter, Maya Rudolph, John C. Reilly, Allison Janney, Kathy Najimy, Rashida Jones, Sarah Chalke, Jack Black, Neil Patrick Harris and Marc Shaiman.

Prop 8: The Musical

Song title: Glitter and Be Gay by Candide Ost

Dancing With Danger

2008-12-02T22:35:00.000-08:00

My Tivo and/or cable has gone out mid-Law & Order: SVU. That is a dangerous time to be fucking around with my television viewing cabilities, my friend.

Song title: Dancing With Danger by Leslie Phillips

My Apologies

2008-12-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, so maybe posting a ton on SITS and completely reformatting my blog was bad timing... Oops! Sorry everybody! But I got a fever and the only cure for that fever is ~~more cowbell~~ redesigning my blog.

Players Holiday

2008-12-02T10:00:00.000-08:00

Wordless Tuesday?

Baby Bee circa December 2007
This post is my pathetic attempt to win a $200 Tar-jaay gift certificate via the Merry SITSmas Contest on the super awesome newest obsession of mine, The Secret Is In The Sauce. SITS is a site that supports and pimps out blogs to increase your readership! Since my goal is to be the Perez Hilton of Seattle by next year (kidding!), SITS is the place for me!

Wish me luck!

Song title: Players Holiday by Ant Banks

Make Yourself Comfortable

2008-12-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

Juicy or Janky?
At what point does dressing comfortably cross the line to going shopping in your pajamas? Even though I was all fashioned out yesterday, the moment I got out of the car with Baby Bee to do some errands I had a wave of fear wash over me. "Did I forget to change out of my pajamas before leaving the house?!?!" I thought.

You do the math:
1 Juicy Couture Track Suit + 1 pair of Uggs = 1 fashionable mom wearing sweats and slippers.

Song title: Make Yourself Comfortable by Bette Midler

Turkey Chase

2008-11-30T18:07:00.000-08:00

Oy vey.
This whole weekend has been one big blur of turkey and cranberry sauce. And pie. Waaay too much pie.

Thursday we began by waking up way too early to get all ready and finish making some side dishes for lunch/dinner before the ~~time black hole~~ baby woke up. Shockingly, we were ahead of schedule which is not something that happens often in this house now that Baby Bee has joined our ranks. Prior to Bee, I was known for always being early to events. T-Money even got worried and was going to call us to check on our welfare when we failed to arrive precisely at a party's starting time once. But now, even though I plan for the extra 10-billion hours it will take to get Baby Bee ready and locked/loaded in to her car seat, we are still late to...everything.

But not Thursday! We headed over to my folk's house for Thanksgiving v.1. Bee had even taken a morning nap, so we were geared up for a fantastic time. Bee did have a great time playing with her cousins. But when time came to eat our delicious meal, complete with a ghetto green bean casserole that I made (I still have a lot to learn from Martha), Bee decided to morph in to this:So instead of enjoying a nice, sweet lunch/dinner with my family, I got to practice my WWF moves with Bee at the dinner table.

Side note: Some popular forms of torture include water-boarding, electrocution, and flaggelation (that's whipping for those of you that didn't look up "forms of torture" on Wikipedia just now). My favorite form of torture is inviting a mother with young children to hang out for hours at your non-baby-proofed home. This makes for a vein-bulging, stress-induced headache kind of day when you can't let your child roam freely without worrying about falling down stairs, electrocution or accidental water-boarding.

After we ate a lethargy-inducing dessert, we headed over to Thanksgiving v.2 at Mr. Bee's mom's house. Even though we were only a bit behind schedule at this point, we arrived to everyone finishing up their meals (which was fine by us as the Mister just helped himself to more food anyway and I was looking for any reason to not have to eat a whole other meal!). Bee, despite not having an afternoon nap, chilled out by the time we got to Grandma's and keep herself busy playing with puzzles and a magnetic alphabet set.

Sidenote #2: We're not talking some totally 2008 baby-safe magnetic alphabet set. This was old school, it'd only take Bee about a minute to figure out how to dislodge said magnets from the letter, have her own magnet-ey Thanksgiving Feast and die a painful death. Therefore, Mama Hawk Eyes was on duty the rest of the evening.

We had a good time, though, and even got a few photos of Bee giving her Uncle some love:Sissy and I decided that we are a little shopping crazy and therefore attacked Black Friday with a vengeance. 5:00 am? That's for pussies. Sissy and I drove up to the "Seattle" Premium Outlets in ~~the middle of fucking no where~~ Marysville for Midnight Madness. That's right, bitches! MIDNIGHT madness.

Sidenote #3: Seriously, why the fuck are they called the Seattle Premium Outlets? For those of you who do not bleed rain, you'd think that said outlets would be, say, near Seattle? Well, you'd be wrong! They are actually about an hour north of Seattle. Really, though, you couldn't just call them the Tulalip Premium Outlets? Or the On-The-Way-To-Canada Outlets?

So despite my looming tryptophan coma, I left the house around 9:30 p.m. to meet the Sis up in NoWheresVille around 11 p.m. See, there were a couple stores that were going to open at 10:00 so we figured we could waste a bit of time before all the other big stores opened up.

But wait! It turns out that most of the stores decided to randomly open at 10 instead of midnight! Thanks Seattle Asshole Outlets! I really enjoyed pumping vats of coffee down my gullet and sitting on ass watching Survivor reruns when I could have been shopping already and NOT staying up until 3 o'clock in the morning!

Sissy and I were really there for the Coach Factory Store, but when we turned the corner, this is what we saw:While Sissy and I don't have any issues with standing in line for 2 hours, we'd much rather stand in line for hours and be first in line than stand for hours and watch 5 trillion people buy up all the good shit before us. So instead we headed over to Gymboree where we ended spending 40+ minutes in line trying to buy 2 things. Ever seen the movie Falling Down where Michael Douglas goes postal in a McDonald's? Yeah, that was almost me in a Gymboree on Friday night. I shit you not.

And, finally, yesterday we drove way too long with a 19-month old to visit Mr. Bee's Dad and family (Thanksgiving v.3).The visit was actually okay except that Bee refused to sleep during the 2-hour drive there and was cranky cranky cranky by the time we had to leave. But there were lots of animals to ~~scare the shit out of her~~ play with.

This was a long and productive weekend and I'm excited to start the Christmas holiday season, but I'm gonna need this next month just to gear up for another round of family celebrations!

Song title: Turkey Chase by Bob Dylan

Shopping Spree

2008-11-27T21:11:00.000-08:00

Happy Turkey Day!
Gobble, gobble.
Sissy and I are heading out the door for some Midnight Madness shopping! The only hitch is that the outlet mall that we'll be doing the shopping at is about an hour and a half away from my house! So I'll be out the door around 9:30pm and hope to be home by 3am!! I'll fill you in on out wacky antics tomorrow afternoon (when I wake up!)

Song title: Shopping Spree by Atom and His Package

I Will Give Thanks

2008-11-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

In fact, I will Give Thanks three times.
As the holidays rear the ugly head, I must now prepare for not one, not two, but THREE Thanksgiving meals (two of which will be on the same day). The benefit of having family live so close is that you get to see them all the time and Baby Bee's grandparents can be an active part of her life.

The con is that your family lives so close that you get to see them all the time. Especially at the holidays.

Bee, November 2007

Now don't get me wrong. I love our families. But tomorrow will be so jam packed with stuff that we'll be too busy to be thankful for anything! Our day will start at the crack of dawn so that the Mister and I can shower and beautify before ~~the little time sucker~~ our beautiful daughter awakens. Then it's up, breakfast, a bath if breakfast gets all over her, dressed and hopefully a nap before we head out the door by 10:30am. All this while preparing three dishes to bring over for lunch/dinner. Linner? Dunch?

Then we head out to celebrate with my parents and my sister and her family. This will be probably the most formal of the dinners (and by formal I mean we slightly dress up and use nice china.) Baby Bee lurvs her Nana, Poppa, Hooey and Duder. Honestly, what could be better than hanging out with my family and enjoying a really ridiculous amount of food? They are pretty delightful.

After loading up on enough calories to kill most people, we'll head on over to Mr. Bee's mom's house to eat. Again. Luckily, the mom-in-law is very understanding of our multiple obligation day and doesn't expect us to eat a full second meal. Thank Gawd. We'll hang out there for a while until it's time to head home to put Bee down for the night. Did you notice how Bee snuck in an afternoon nap in that busy schedule? Yeah, me neither.

Then, finally, on Saturday, we get the pleasure of driving 2 1/2 hours (one way, mind you) to Mr. Bee's Dad's house in the middle of nowhere. I shit you not. They have, like, animals and stuff. If you can't really picture Mama Bee on a farm of any kind, you are pretty much spot on! After many failed attempts, I have deemed myself a City/Suburban Gal through and through. Me and the outdoors do. not. mix.

Needless to say, the idea of Bee stuck in the car for 5+ hours on Saturday is already giving me a fucking migraine. I really shouldn't complain. Sissy had to drive longer than that every. single. weekend. with her three young children for like a year. I vomit in my mouth a little just thinking of having to do that!

Something really needs to be done about this 3 house celebration schedule, though. I would hate to miss celebrating with the extended family, but at some point we've got to start a routine that includes our own traditions. I really wanted to start a Saturday-after-Thanksgiving-Christmas-Tree-Getting-Tradition, but I guess that will have to start next year. Sigh.

Wish me luck. What are you doing tomorrow/this weekend to celebrate?

Song title: I Will Give Thanks (Hymns)

Smart Girls

2008-11-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been trying really hard not to be that mom. You know, the one that thinks her child is a MENSA candidate because her one-year-old picks her nose with such grace. But I'm different, right?

I have to brag about Baby Bee. Over the last few months, Bee loves to point out any letters. Anywhere. It started with the U-Haul boxes. She would point at the U-H-A-U-L while saying "gee, blah, uuh, aah, eee". We thought it was hilarious and great that she was showing such an interested in letters.

It wasn't until last week that we really started paying attention to what she was saying...

And she was getting about three-fourths of the letters correct!

I immediately got out her flashcards and just made them available for her to play with. (I'm really not that crazy mom who pushes this shit on her. Really. She spends most of her time admiring the afternoon programming of the Sprout channel.) Again, she's getting the majority of the letters correct!

To top it off, just a minute ago I was sitting on the couch next to my Starbucks Vancouver coffee mug. Bee tumbles on over and proceeds to spell "Vancouver" correctly while pointing out the letters on the mug! Holy crap balls!

I can't believe this development occurred right after Oprah's Super Awesome Kids episode. I'm sure she woulda been a contender...

PS: Extra points for those of you who have noticed that you can see a little something extra when you hover over the photos in my blog!
Thanks to Mr. Lady for inspiring this new fun feature!

Song title: Smart Girls by Brian Wilson

A Change (Would Do You Good)

2008-11-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

What do you think of the new header? I kind of have to change something about my surroundings every 1.5 seconds or I slowly go insane due to boredom...

Song title: A Change (would Do You Good) by Sheryl Crow

Pop Quiz

2008-11-25T10:22:00.000-08:00

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night I got to see my favorite comedian at the Paramount!

Kathy Griffin is sooo my type of humor. Crass, blunt and fucking hilarious. I realized that I should create a friend questionnaire for people when I first meet them. Something like this:

Question #1:
Do you love Kathy Griffin?
A: Yes, everybody can suck it!
B: Goodness no, She is far too offensive.
C: Shit, I don't know.

Answer Key
Mostly A's: 800 points. You are my new BFF.
Mostly B's: -5,000,000 points. What the hell is wrong with you?!
Mostly C's: 0 points. Actually -5 points for the indecisiveness, but +5 points for swearing.

Song title: Pop Quiz by Stereolab

'Tis the Season

2008-11-24T16:15:00.000-08:00

I Know It's Not Thanksgiving Yet...
...but I've definitely been swept up by the holiday spirit.

Since I'm not terribly religious, the holiday season (or Festivus, as we lovingly call it in the Bee Home) consists of mostly decorations, presents and food. And since I ain't getting off my lazy ass to cook today, let's talk about decorating and presents!

First of all, most of the "decorations" we currently have for any holiday are a janky ass collection of knick knacks. I'm slowly accumulating a collection of cute Pottery Barn items every year from the after-Christmas Clearance, but have yet to get more than one or two cute pieces per holiday. To make matters worse, having just moved in to a new home, I'm dying to decorate for the holidays! Even though we're pinching our pennies to see how all the finances will work out with the new and larger mortgage, I ~~promised him sex~~ somehow convinced Mr. Bee to let me buy some fun stuff at Joann's yesterday!

I'm attempting to roughly mimic this photo from the P.B. catalog:

So far, I've finished two small wreaths for our front doors.

But now I have at least fourteen (yeah, you heard me. FOURTEEN.) strands of garland to wire with ornaments.

I hope to be done by next Christmas. Hopefully.

Besides being addicted to crafts, I love me some gadgets. So my goal for this Christmas is to ask for only pretty shiny new electronics. Here's what I have so far:
DS Lite
Ever since playing around with my mom and nephew's DS Lite's, I'm totally hooked! Mr. Bee is not sold on the pink and/or Susan G. Komen version that I'm asking for. He doesn't quite realize that the reason I want a pink sparkly DS is so that his thieving ass won't steal it! But seriously, I won't rest until I have one of these. I know, I know, like I need something other than raising my daughter, keeping the house, holiday crafts and watching 80 hours of television to keep me busy...

Nikon SLR D60
There's no chance in hell that I am actually going to get this $600+ camera for Christmas, but one can dream, right? I really want to be able to take some really great photos of Baby Bee and Future Cletus the Fetus. At least, that's the guilt trip I'm laying on Mr. Bee until I get this awesome camera!

Wacom Drawing Tablet
I've been told this tablet is the shiz for drawing with your computer. Here's a little known fact about Mama Bee: I fancy myself an artist. I've been rambling enough for today, but I promise a future post with some of my artwork. A drawing tablet like this would open up worlds of new techniques and fun to me!

So, what are you asking Santa for Christmas?

Song title: 'Tis The Season

Baby, Now That I've Found You

2008-11-20T13:52:00.000-08:00

Here are some super rad Google keyword searches that have led unsuspecting innocents to MomtoBee:

Song title: Baby, Now That I've Found You by Alison Krauss

Our Lips Are Sealed

2008-11-20T09:50:00.000-08:00

Yeah. I still can't talk about it. Stop asking. Geesh.

But instead, since my head WILL literally explode with said undiscussable (is TO a word) subject, I will post an on-going count of how many times said thing has, you know, there and also too, happening and whatnot also. (That was my Sarah Palin impression. Nice, huh?)

Song title: Our Lips Are Sealed by The Go-go's

Let's Go To the Mall

2008-11-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

Goodwill Glitter Sale 2008
Bright and early Saturday morning, Sissy and I stood in line for more than two hours in the freezing cold to be one of the first in line for Seattle Goodwill's 25th Anniversary Glitter Sale. Supposedly, every year Goodwill saves up all the designer donations they receive and put on this huge event to raise money for their work program. Even though we've lived in the Seattle area for 25+ years, this is the first we'd ever heard of this gigantic "designer" fundraising event so we thought we'd check it out.

I'm not one to participate in anything without doing some thorough reconnaissance, so I researched the crap out of this event. I quickly found out that the Glitter Sale is comparable to those crazy wedding gown sales you hear about in New York. People in attendance mean business and you better be prepared. Tips for the sale included:

*Wear a slip, body suit or swimsuit to try on clothing; there are no fitting rooms.
While most people just didn't have any modesty and changed right there in the aisle (I totally would've done the same thing if I would've found anything needing trying on), a lot of people dressed as if ready to perform an interpretive dance at the local amateur theatre.

I wish like this:

But, in reality, more like this:
*When you arrive in the special sales area, grab a blue tote bin to carry your purchases; shopping carts and personal bags are not allowed.
I don't know who in the Goodwill association thought that giant plastic bins would be a brilliant idea in a room stuffed to the gills with crazed shoppers. I can't even count how many of these damned bins I got shoved in to my back. Even worse, some people thought it'd be brilliant to carried the bins on their heads, which would have been fine if these particular people weren't midgets. Being slightly taller than the women in there, I had to constantly duck and weave to avoid getting a bin in the face.

*Rehang clothes you don't intend to buy.
Yeah, I'll get right on that.

*The store gets crowded, so be conscious of the comfort and safety of others; running is not allowed.
This rule is like telling Baby Bee not to shove her finger up her nose, your nose, any nose. As much as you try to stop it, it's just gonna happen anyway.

Word around town was that last year about 300 people were lined up before the doors opened at 9 a.m. Not wanting to be near the end of the line, but not knowing really what to expect, I headed out the door around 6 o'clock in the morning the day of the sale. When Sissy and I got in line, we were roughly 40 people back in line. By 9 a.m., the line had more than ONE THOUSAND PEOPLE in it! It went down the side of the warehouse-sized building, out to the street, and down the street!

"Holy crap balls!" we thought. This place must be the shiz! When the doors opened, all hell broke loose and Sissy and I were shoved in to the madness. We headed to the "Vintage" room first.

Dear Goodwill Vintage Fashion Coordinator,
I am no fashion expert, but I'm 90% sure that Jessica Simpson shoes are not vintage. In fact, these shoes are maybe two years old at most. If two years old = vintage, my entire wardrobe consists of fossils. I'm guessing that Betsy Johnson, Jimmy Choos and Escada don't fit in to the vintage category either. For the future, it would make things a lot clearer for customers if you entitled this room "The Vintage and Designer Label Room". But calling Jessica heels "designer" is even a stretch...
Good luck next year,
The irate and bitching customer who was complaining about the shitty clothes

From all the press this event got, I was obviously expecting rows upon rows of sweet designer shoes and purses. My goal was to find a pair of Jimmy Choos or Chanel purse and then gloat to everyone I see that I got them for a fraction of their retail price. To give them credit, they did have two pairs of Choos (one was sooo fugly and the other wasn't my size). However, everything else looked like this:

Really, I shit you not. I've never seen so much velvet and bedazzling in my life! Sissy and I watch all these people smile and share their stories about what great stuff they had scored, but we'd look in their bins and were simply puzzled about what they were so excited about.

Luckily, I did find a few hidden gems which I'm pretty excited about. I was even more excited when I found out how much money I saved! I got this Bill Levkoff Bridesmaid/Cocktail dress to wear to some upcoming weddings that I get to attend as a guest this winter!

Retail Price: $170+

Price at Glitter: $7.99

We also found a Juicy Couture purse. It was a little too pink and tweeny for us, so Sissy gave it to my niece. It's a little crazy to see an almost five-year old carrying around a Juicy purse that some adults would die for, but they don't realize how much it cost us!

Retail Price: $100+

Price at Glitter: $2.99

Lastly, I found a really pretty Nordstrom metallic gold knit skinny scarf thing (the kind of scarf that is more of an accessory). I figure that it retails for at least $80, but I bought it for $8!

To finish up our weekend, we also went to the Supermall's Magical Night of Giving. We knew it'd be all Christmas-ey and was a fundraiser, but what we didn't know is that all the stores would have ridonkulous sales!! The Banana Republic Outlet had an additional 30% off everything in the store! So, uh, needless to say, Sissy and I bought way too much, but now have some super cute clothes for the holiday season!

So much for being thrifty, huh. Does it count that I bought approximately $600 of clothes and accessories for $200? I saved us money, right?

Song title: Let's Go To the Mall by Robin Sparkles
Extra points for knowing who Robin Sparkles is!

Volvo Driving Soccer Mom

2008-11-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

I just about poo'd myself watching CBS's How I Met Your Mother this week when the focus was on making the decision to get pregnant for the first time. Enjoy this clip that makes me laugh even though I've watched it about 30 times now.

To give you a smidge of back story, Lily (Alyson Hannigan) is chatting with a friend/first-time mom with roughly a 6-month old baby boy (who is playing with Marshall, Lily's husband). Doesn't every mom feel like this on a daily basis?

Song title: Volvo Driving Soccer Mom by Everclear

Forgetful Lucy

2008-11-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I forgot to give a shout out to Sara from The McGowan Foursome for tagging Bee. Sorry it took me until this Monday to follow up!

Song title: Forgetful Lucy by Adam Sandler

Food, Glorious Food

2008-11-12T12:15:00.000-08:00

I've never touted myself as a gourmet. In fact, I'm pretty sure most people I know think that my signature dish consists of Macaroni and Cheese or Chinese delivery. But just to ~~prove everyone wrong~~ have a tasty meal once in a while, I've been trying my damnest to make some tasty new foods.

Exhibit One
Roughly four and a half years ago, Mr. Bee and I tied the knot. For ~~greed~~ whatever reason, we registered for gifts that almost five years later have hardly seen the light of day. A pasta maker, milkshake maker and deep fryer were brilliant ideas at the time, but seriously, who makes their own pasta?! Certainly not me.

But when we moved in to our new home, Mr. Bee declared that he felt like we'd be much more likely to deep fry stuff in this home than our previous one. What does that even mean?! We finally broke that sucker in the other day and I'm totally hooked.

Mr. Bee ~~has smelling abilities of superhuman proportions~~ hates the smell of the oil and thinks the whole house smells like deep fryer. Undeterred, I'm already planning my next adventure in to deep frying. I think the best results were the onion rings and the apples with cinnamon sugar! But the zucchini with bleu cheese dressing was really good too. I will continue to search my ~~house~~ pantry for things to throw in the deep fryer.

Exhibit Two
On a (somewhat) healthier note, I made a delish dish the other night for dinner:
Garlic Mashed Potatoes, Green Beans with Bacon and Bleu cheese,and Steak with Red Wine Sauce

It was so good and pretty ridiculously easy. Now if my husband would work just a smidge closer to home, I could practice some of these recipes nightly. Because I don't know about you, but I refuse to cook a full meal for 1.5 people. Sorry Bee, but it's another Frankenstein dinner of chicken, random veggies, and cheese for you.

Song title: Food, Glorious Food from Oliver, the Musical

Just Let It Slide

2008-11-11T19:30:00.000-08:00

While I come up with something funny and fascinating to write about, I thought I'd let Baby Bee entertain you. This is a video of her enjoying her "new" slide.

Baby Bee Translations
"No no no"
Pretty obvious. She refuses to let me videotape her and constantly all I get is her saying "nonono" and shaking her finger at me.

"...Two...aaaah..."
This is the Baby Bee equivalent to "One...Two...Three..."

"Schla...Schla..."
Slide

"Ah-tay!" and "Ah Bet-Ah"
My favorite part of the video is when she falls down and insists that she's "okay" and "all better"

Song title: Just Let It Slide by Am Drive

Tag, You're It

2008-11-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

I've Been Tagged

Name/Meaning: Baby Bee (because I'm too paranoid to post real names online)
Before we knew if Bee was a boy or girl, we called her Felix the Fetus. I don't even remember where we came up with it! But we've already started referring to our un-conceived next child as Cleetus the Fetus.

Bee's name was a huge bone of contention with Mr. Bee. We looked at book after book trying to find names that we could both agree on. For girls names, we finally hit on "Bee" and looked at each other. He said, "I like it and I don't know anyone with that name." (With most names we'd find issue with knowing some stupid person we don't like with a name that we do like and the name would be crossed off the list) I said, "I like it too!". And our baby had a name.

Unfortunately, we could never come up with a boy's name that we agreed upon. Still haven't! So when the OB tech announced that we were pregnant with a girl, the first thought in my head was "Thank GOD! We don't have to argue over more boy names!!"

Updated: I can't believe I forgot the most important part! Bee is also named after the best aunt Sissy and I ever had. She was Aunt "Rainy" and she passed away four years ago to cancer. We wanted to honor our first daughter with a special middle name to keep Aunt Rainy in our hearts always.

Age: almost 19 months

Nicknames: Bee (obviously), Squidgey, Baby Bop, Doodle Bug, Monkey (we like nicknames in this house!)

Favorite Activities: Books, Pointing out letters on books/moving boxes/signs/anything and randomly saying letters (example: She will point out all the letters of the word "UHAUL" on a moving box but say "Ay, Oooh, Bee, Gee, Oooh", watching Word World on tv, playing on her new slide, anything that has to do with Elmo

Favorite Food: Any fruit and definitely any bread product.

Least Favorite Food: I've had a hell of a time getting her to eat any sort of meat lately. She used to love all meats and now she's just not interested.

Favorite Music: ABCs, Julia Nunes on YouTube (I made the mistake of showing her some videos one day and now she insisted on music "Da da da" on the "puder"). Really she likes anything as long as there is music playing. The minute she gets in to the car seat for a drive, she starts yelling "da da da" which means "dance".

Favorite Toy: Elmo, anything that resembles a duck, her new slide from Nana & Poppa (via Sissy!)

Favorite Book: I don't think she has one, but our regulars are Goodnight Moon, Snuggle Puppy, and some Little Einstein sleepy time book.

What makes her happy: Daddy coming home, Seeing her cousins (lord, the girl can shriek when she's happy to see somebody!), Word World, Walking, Bananas

What makes her sad: Mommy saying "No", Mommy leaving, Getting dressed (oh wait, is this list what makes ME sad?)

Tag: Sissy (I know you don't have a blog, but maybe this will make you start one!), Jaci from Ravings of a Mad Housewife, Mr. Lady from Whiskey In My Sippy Cup, Kelcey from The Mama Bird Diaries, Pearl from Pearls of Wisdom

Song title: Tag, You're It by Alice Cooper

Bite My Tongue

2008-11-07T10:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Blogosphere,
I need your help. I made a mistake. A big (blog) mistake.

I told people about my blog.

And now I have issues that I really need to vent about but I can't. My brain is spinning like a Jamba Juice blender and the vein in my forehead looks like it's ready to pack it's bags and head for greener pastures that are not attached to my head.

When I created my blog, I read about people who decided to be completely anonymous. Some people haven't even told their significant other about their blog(s). As weird as that sounds, those bloggers have complete and utter freedom to blog about everything. I, on the other hand, can never keep my big, fat mouth shut and had to blab to anyone who listens that "Ooh! Ooh! I have a blog!!" With every single person I tell about my blog, I must add to the list of ~~people~~ topics I can't discuss...

Stupid stupid Mama Bee.

So if you don't hear from me for a while, please send out the search dogs. You will likely find me hiding in a dark closet, knees tucked under my chin, mumbling something about wanting to write about my inner demons and interpersonal issues but being stifled by my big stupid blabby mouth.

Center of Attention
On a different, but related topic, I came to a realization last night. Have you ever heard the philosophy that the character traits you find most annoying in other people are really the traits you like least about yourself?

I realized that my biggest social fear (besides clowns) is (unintentionally) stealing the lime light/conversation. I beg and plead for social acceptance through personal tirades/anecdotes/opinions (and especially through my pathetic attempts at humor). But I'm constantly aware of how much I am talking in a conversation and am filled with a fear and paranoia that I am (1)boring everyone, (2)not being funny, and/or (3)being overbearing.

I also realized last night that I don't think people realize how emotional I am. And by "people" I mean any one who is not directly related to me. My family definitely knows what a huge cry baby I am. I even surprised myself with a reaction to something that I didn't think meant that much to me, just to discover within myself that it meant a lot.

Oh, I'd love to tell you about it, but please see above.

Song title: Bite My Tongue by Relient K; Center of Attention by Alove for Enemies

Ever Fallen In Love With Someone (You Shouldn't've Fallen In Love With)?

2008-11-05T08:10:00.000-08:00

What the Fuck is Wrong with You People?!

California votes to ban gay marriage

A sobering reminder on such a historic and celebratory day that not everyone can say "Yes We Did." Seriously, California? You ~~are a disappointment as a blue state~~ suck.

Song title: Ever Fallen In Love With Someone (you Shouldn't've Fallen In Love With)? by The Buzzcocks

New America

2008-11-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

Vote, dammit.
Remember that here in The Hive, we're all about judgment and complaining. But if you don't vote today, you don't have any right to complain about how the election shakes out. So, in order to join our shit-talking later, please please please please please vote!! Because no matter what, in January, we will have a new president and a new America!

But God help me if that old white dude and his token vagina win...

Song title: New America by Bad Religion

Spooky

2008-10-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!
I thought this was deliciously appropriate given my last post.

My favorite part of the night was definitely watching Baby Bee waddle around the house in her chicken costume! (sorry the video is so dark!)

Song title: Spooky by Dusty Springfield

Losing My Religion

2008-10-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

"Mom. Dad. I have to tell you something..."
"Coming out of the closet" is a term usually associated with gays and lesbians announcing to their friends and family that they are homosexual. Few regret the action, having found a way toward a more open and satisfying life.

It wasn't until recently that I realized that I live within my own closet.

No, I'm not gay.

But I have been hiding. Hiding from friends who might not want to be such if they knew. Hiding from persecution of my beliefs.

Because I do not believe in God.

There. I said it. I'm supposed to feel better now, right? Damn.

Okay, I'm guessing you all probably want more on the topic...

First of all, I feel the need to explain that I consider myself an agnostic, which means that I'm really just not religious/spiritual/etc. (versus flat out not believing there is a god).

Here is my view of the difference between Religious Folk v. Atheists v. Agnostics:
The Christian/God-Believer says, "Yes there is a God."
The Atheist says, "No, there is no God."
Agnostic just shrugs and says, "Eh?"

Okay, so technically an Atheist either (1) denies the existence of God, or (2) literally is non-theist or simply lacking a belief in God without actively denying God's existence.

I personally prefer to consider myself an Agnostic non-theist. It is a belief related to the existence or non-existence of God and most agnostics believe that we (collectively) do not have any way of knowing whether a god (or gods) exist. Because there is no way for you or me to prove (or disprove) a god's existence, then why fret over it. Eventually, maybe, I'll find out but until then, I might as well just enjoy life (and football on Sundays).

Speaking of Sundays, I think my agnosticism started early in my life. My mom was never big in to going to church, but Dad took Sissy and I practically every Sunday. My only memories of church was that is was insanely boring and had creepy old people who insisted on talking to me. But I did like the singing. Singing is good.

At 15 years of age, Dad let us make the decision of whether we wanted to keep going to church with him every Sunday or stay home. I'm pretty sure my reasoning was something like: "hmmm...go to boring church or sleep in? yeah, no brainer, dude." I might have thrown in a "Could church *be* more boring?" Give me a brake, Friends was big that year and I've always admired Ms. Chanadaler Bong.

In discussing this further with Sissy and Mr. Bee, I realized that besides just finding church unappealing, I really felt out of place. Just like when homosexual people say that they just felt "different" growing up, that's exactly how I felt when I was at church. I'd be hanging out with the kids in youth group and thinking to myself, "Weird. They're all, like, religious and whatnot..." Since quitting church, God/religion/faith has never played a big role in my life. Well, I guess it didn't really play a big part in my life beforehand either (besides church on Sundays). Since 15, I've never attended church. I didn't get married at a church. In fact, our biggest requirement of an officiant for our wedding was that the "G" word not be mentioned. Baby Bee has not been baptised (and I don't even know if I was, to be honest).

One of the reason I wanted to "come out of the closet" on my blog is because I think that people who are religious don't realize how persecuted non-believers are. While I've been lucky enough in my adult life to find a spouse and close friends that share my beliefs, it hasn't always been that way. I was already suffering discrimination for my beliefs by junior year of high school. I vividly remember being told by friends in high school that, unfortunately, I would be burning in eternal hellfire since I didn't believe in God. Now, my friends were not happy about the turn of events for my eternal soul, but felt the need to declare my fate none-the-less. All this despite the fact that I lived just about the most pious lifestyle a teenager has ever lived (save for Joan of Arc, maybe). I didn't even drink alcohol until my 21st birthday! AND I believed that sex should be saved for marriage. Okay, my opinion on that one changed as I got older...

As a non-believer, you get put in to this "box" by "normal" people. We must be sinners, immoral, untrustworthy, arrogant, hypocritical, self-righteous and (my personal favorite) liberal infidels. Some people ask, "Well, without the Bible/God, what authority do you accept as a guide to conduct?" Well, first of all, common sense is good. Just because I wasn't raised in with overly-religious parents doesn't mean that I grew up in a hedonistic sin-filled home. I grew up with rules...LOTS of rules. Seriously. Just because God doesn't play a role in my life, doesn't mean that I don't have compassion for others or the ability to tell right from wrong.

But the persecution of non-believers doesn't just stop with the assumption that you are a sinner with no moral compass. Even as I sit on my couch typing this with America's Next Top Model playing in the background, one of the models declares that it's unfair that a certain model won a prize that will feature Christmas accessories because "she's hates holidays. She's an atheist. I love Christmas! I'd love to do [the photo shoot]!" Just because someone is atheist or agnostic doesn't mean they don't like (or shouldn't) celebrate holidays. For the record, I LOOOOVE Christmas. I just look at it as a time to celebrate family and friends, and most importantly, presents (kidding! Screw the family and friends; just give me stuff).

Being a non-believer isn't easy. I'll always remember four and a half years ago when I found out that Mr. Bee had pre-cancerous growths, had to have a full colectomy, AND found out that he has a degenerative, un-curable liver disease. One of the first things I thought was "this would be so much easier to deal with if I believed in God." Having faith in someone/something that had a master plan or who could make everything better if I just prayed hard enough would have maybe made the situation a little easier to deal with. But I didn't have any of that. I just had to sit with the realization that my fiancée (now my husband) might develop cancer and may (still) require a liver transplant. I had nothing to lean on but myself. And I think I'm a stronger person now because of it. At least I hope I am.

I have to be supportive/accepting of all religions, simply because I am in the minority. A 2001 survey found 15% of the adult population in the United States have no religious affiliation, still significantly less than in other postindustrial countries such as United Kingdom (44%) and Sweden (69%). The other 85% of the U.S. just think non-believers are jerks when we point out the "so help me Gods," "under Gods," and "In god we trusts" that are everywhere in our society. I get that our country was founded under those ideals, but let's not forget that it was also founded while escaping from religious persecution.

In 2006, the University of Minnesota conducted a poll that found that despite an increasing acceptance of religious diversity, atheists were generally distrusted by other Americans, who rated them below Muslims, recent immigrants and other minority groups in "sharing their vision of American society". They also associated atheists with undesirable attributes such as criminal behavior, rampant materialism, and cultural elitism. When participants were asked whether they agreed with the statement, "I would disapprove if my child wanted to marry a member of this group," atheists again led minorities, with 48 percent disapproval. "I know atheists aren't studied that much as a sociological group, but I guess atheists are one of the last groups remaining that it's still socially acceptable to hate."

So you might understand why "coming out of the closet" was a difficult decision for me to make.

So there it is. I'm not religious.

Am I ready for the consequences? I've weighed the risks: I'm sure not everyone will accept me for who I am. I'm sure someone out there will be offended at my religious views and vice versa.

But please don't think we can't be friends because we have differing views on one aspect of our lives. We may have different schedules on Sunday and most likely are voting for different presidential candidates, but isn't there more to life? Like television?

Song title: Losing My Religion by R.E.M.

Landslide

2008-10-30T08:21:00.000-07:00

Winning in a record landslide vote of a whooping 6 to 0, I will be posting my coming out diatribe later today. Stay tuned...

Song title: Landslide by AC/DC

That's the Way We Roll

2008-10-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

Um, you're leaving now, right?
Just a quick note about how ridonkulously fun Bunco was tonight!

Some topics of conversation included:

- Vaseline on butts (whose? I'm not sure.)
- Drunk bridal stories
- Cheating ::clears throat:: (you know who you are...KIDDING!)
- Brain dead moms who can't seem to count, read dice, or really do anything that would qualify them to be not mentally retarded. Okay, so this is pretty much ME every single month...
Updated to add:
- TV stars pooping bloody aliens out their butt

Personally, I'd like to brag that I won both MOST BUNCOS (tied) and...wait for it...MOST LOSSES! That's takes some serious talent folks!

And by talent I mean random dice throwing.

Song title: That's the Way We Roll by Alley Life

Stairway To Heaven

2008-10-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

...or NOT as the case may be...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished me to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!
Here is how I matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

I kind of can't decide whether or not to post my religious coming out of the closetness for all of you to read. Call me a sissy; I'm more worried about what you all will think of me than anything. So I'm going to let you make the call! Voting is open until Wednesday morning when I will make the decision to press the PUBLISH button or not.

Don't forget to vote over there --->

Song title: Stairway To Heaven by Led Zeppelin

The Broken Bones

2008-10-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

Picture an "S" where my toe should be
So...when I posted last week about my "broken toe," I can admit that I was being a bit dramatic. Sure, my toe hurt like a sonofabitch when ~~I slammed it in to the ottoman~~ the ottoman attacked me unprovoked, but it was just a bad bruise, right? Well come Friday, my toe was looking retardedly crooked. Of course I break out the first aid kit and decide it is splinting time!

Yeah, that was a bad idea. Even though I just lightly splinted the toe with tape and a tongue depressor, it hurt sooooo bad that I had to take it off like five minutes later. It's then that I decided to visit an actual doctor (apparently five seasons of Grey's Anatomy under my belt hasn't really taught me too much about the actual practice of medicine.)

Bright and early Saturday morning I head in to the local medical clinic to find out my toe actually IS broken. In TWO places. It should heal up within 3 weeks or so and all I can do in the meantime is tape my toes together and hobble like a gimp. Super fun!

Happy Zoo-tacular
Sissy and Family came to the Woodland Park Zoo Pumpkin Prowl with us last night and we had a ton of fun!
Baby Bee (as a chicken) and Mama Bee dancing to MC Hammer's Can't Touch This
Does it get any better than that?

Song title: The Broken Bones by Mxpx

Livin' Proof

2008-10-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Song title: Livin' Proof by The Group Home

Something's Got A Hold Of My Toe

2008-10-23T07:13:00.000-07:00

Toe Update
...because I know you were dying to see another toe photo. Don't lie.

That's right, friends. It's swollen, throbbing and more purpley.

Okay, wow. That last sentence is gonna get me some good porn hits from Google!

Anywho, toe still totally hurts, but I'm walking more like Gregory House now. Just without the cane.

Song title: Something's Got A Hold Of My Toe by Steve Winwood

I Hope You Dance

2008-10-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

I love this post by Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup and wanted to share it with the Hive!

Song title: I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack

Hurt so Bad

2008-10-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

I think I broke a toe today.
And unfortunately, it's one of my toes.

A Re-enactment
Open on a quaintly messy living room. An adorable young toddler plays on the couch while a loving mother tends to her. When the beautiful and graceful young mother (hey, it's my re-enactment...) approaches her young daughter, a threatening, nay, homicidal ottoman (which had laid dormant until this very instant) jumped out at the young mother, throttling her foot.

The Alleged Assailant*
The gorgeous, yet humble, mother crumples gracefully to the ground exclaiming, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!"

The Innocent Victim
Sorry for the close-up foot photo. I know I need a pedicure like nothing else - Christ, my nails look like I clipped them with a lawn mower. And the only reason why they are recently painted is because I had a Mommy Group play date yesterday and knew I'd be forced against my will to remove my shoes before entering.

Anywho, now I'm forced to hobble around all day like frickin' Verbal Kint. And, of course, I have a client meeting this evening. Think Starbucks will let me use the handicap parking spot?

*All ottomans are presumed innocent until found guilty by a jury of their peers (i.e. ottomans, stools, love seats, etc.)

Song title: Hurt so Bad by Alicia Keys

Clone

2008-10-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking their might be a slight resemblance between me and Baby Bee...

Sweet Baby Jesus, we even have the same hair cut!

Song title: Clone by Avail

What Are You Looking For

2008-10-16T14:43:00.000-07:00

I was just perusing Google Analytics to see where you visitors are finding my blog, but instead I learned that three people have found Mom to Bee by searching for:

How to make a shiv

Seriously, though? What the fuck. #1: Where do I ever make a reference to shivs (is that the correct plural of shiv?) and #2: Why do I get the weirdos on my blog?!

Song title: What Are You Looking For by 7 Mile

Finale

2008-10-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

Check out my Project Runway Season Finale Blog Post on my TiVo Junkie blog!

Song title: Finale by Anthrax

"And, boy, he went hog wild!"

2008-10-15T06:00:00.000-07:00

**PROJECT RUNWAY SPOILER: In today's post, I feature photos of the Bryant Park shows of the designers - don't look below if you don't want to see the final designs before tonight's show!**

For you newcomers to the Hive, I write tv reviews every week on my tv blog: TiVo Junkie!

Project Runway - Finale Part 1
OMG, the Finale of Project Runway is tonight!! Holy crap balls, this season went quickly! Let's get prepped by reviewing last week's show and discussing ~~how much we hate Kenley~~ the pros/cons of each designer.

After last week's ~~totally predictable~~ shocking decision to keep all four designers, they were given $8000 to create a line for Bryant Park. But, surprise! There's more! They have to design a wedding gown too and it's the wedding gown that will make or break their path to the tents. Oh wait! Surprise again! Even though you already have to design an entire line AND a wedding gown, um, can you make us a bridesmaid dress too? Kthxbai.

The super lovable Tim Gunn drives his Saturn cross country (yeah, right) to visit the designers at home while they work on their designs:

Korto

Korto's designs get rave reviews from Tim, except for when in came to one particular dress' shape: Korto definitely wins the Best Tim Gunn Comment Contest: "It gets a little sexual. I don't want a snatch shot." Korto's designs are so ridiculously cute and wearable, it will pretty much drive me insane if she doesn't win. She has a pretty cohesive line with the textures and colors she uses and you can definitely feel that ethnic vibe she was going for. Everything is so classic and sophisticated; I would love to purchase a Korto design.

Her wedding dress, however, left much to be desired! When Tim visited her at home in Arkansas, it looked totally cool, but all that added boogaloo to the chestal (is so a word!) region in not pretty or flattering! The totally silhouette is so dumpy.

I think her bridesmaid dress was really underrated by the judges. Sure, it's so short you can practically see the model's babyhole, but I thought that it matched the gown (in a good way) and wasn't too competing. Hrmph.

Leanne

On Tim's visit to Portland (go Pacific Northwest! Woot! Woot!), they went on a tandem bike ride! You heard me. A tandem bike ride! Just when you think Tim can't top the "snatch shot", he dons a bike helmet! We also learn, upon Tim's arrival, that Leanne has a boyfriend who is just as homely and dowdy as she is. Seriously, Leanne. Would it hurt you to do your hair once while you are being featured on national television?! I'm sure the Treseme Hair Salon would gladly donated a brush and a curling iron to your cause. Okay, back to the fashion. Leanne's collection is by far the most cohesive. I also fear that it might be too cohesive? The color combinations are great and I love how structured yet nature-inspired everything is. I still can't wait to see the wave-skirts move on the runway.

Like her entire collection, the gown and bridesmaid dress compliment each other perfectly! I felt like Leanne's designs for last week's runway were the only ones that really complimented each other, didn't compete with each other, but you could see the theme there without it being overwhelming. Loving Leanne!

Kenley
Alrighty then. I should warn you now, if you are a Kenley fan, you are not welcome here! First of all, when Tim visits her in Brooklyn, she immediately starts being Kenley. Have you noticed that she never says "thank you" after a compliment? She always says "I know!" Uhg. How irritating! And then when she starts describing her Alice in Wonderland inspiration, Tim has to pretty much say "Yeah, I know the 'painting the roses reference, Kenley.' I'm not mentally retarded, you know!" I wonder if Tim Gunn is totally over Kenley by now. I know I would be. And I can't help but notice that Tim did all these extra-curricular activities with all the other designers but with Kenley he was in, told her what she wanted to hear, and was out like trout.

Kenley's designs for Bryant Park are (1) completely predictable, (2) not at all cohesive and (3) most importantly, ugly as poo. What the fuck is up with her disgusting grandma prints that she uses? And then the ropes around the neck? Nice. And, I'm sorry, but does she not look like she's having a stroke in this picture?

I could not handle that Kenley didn't get ripped open about how predictable and uncreative her wedding gown and bridesmaid dress were! Hi, if any one has seen Sex and the City, a feathery cocktail length dress is anything but creative. And seriously? A bubble skirt bridesmaid dress. Seen it! Sure, the judges mentioned the similarity between the wedding gown and another designers work, but I really wanted them to stop raving about it and start asking her why she did something so ridiculously expected.

Jerell

Well, Jerell's collection definitely reflect Jerell's style, but I'm not sure if that's good or bad. His designs are heavily inspired by a mixing of textures. The main problem I have with the clothes are how heavy they look. And the textures do not look good to me! I really like Jerell, but I feel like his collection is heavily Madonna's Like A Virgin inspired which pretty much makes me VIMMAL.

Man, I can't stand Jerell's wedding gown. Or Funeral Gown, is more appropriate since nothing says Wedding Gown like dirty gray tulle and heavy dark beading. I really don't think his bridesmaid dress is horrible, but I'm not a fan of the flower-sprouting-out-of-your-baby-feed-bags look. Unfortunately, the judges weren't big fans either and poor Jerell will not be accompanying the ladies to Bryant Park (at least for the main competition!)

But look who else apparently was at Bryant Park?! (Joe & Suede)

According to the photos on Bravotv.com, both Joe and Suede's collections, well, kind of suck. Any body else feel a little weird about how designers who were Auf'd get to show at Bryant Park anyway? I thought that was like the big goal? {shrug}

My favorite judges quote this week was far too long to be a post title:
"...But these wings over her boobs, plus then the jeweled boobs, plus then the jewels under the boobs, and then, of course, she's got a flower pot growing out of her head." ~ Michael Kors

More great quotes to come, I'm sure, during tonight's episode at 9 pm PST on Bravo!

Obsessed

2008-10-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I totally have a new obsession.

The Secret is in the Sauce

"The Secret's in the What?!" you may ask.

It's a super cool blog set up to promote other blogs! They can basically make or break your blog. One awesome blogger that I read said that one day on SITS gave her like 100 comments a day!

I'm now completely obsessed with getting featured so I can up my readership! Wish me luck!! :)

Song title: Obsessed by Pressure Drop

Road To Alaska

2008-10-14T15:35:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Slurbatron:

Song title: Road To Alaska by the Bee Gees

Mom to Bee

Switch all your Links!

Come On Over

www.momtobee.com

Big Time Operator

Death is Certain

A Lot in Common

Happy Valentine's Day!

(almost) Wordless Weekend

Looks Like A Job 4...

The Longest Pee

Valentine Day Massacre

A Secret Secret

I'll Tell the World

(almost) Wordless Weekend

A Little Help From My Friends

Force Feed

Vagina Ice

What You Don't Know - Part Three

What You Don't Know - Part Two

(almost) Wordless Weekend

What You Don't Know - Part One

Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow

Do You Want To Break Up?

This Year

Family Scriptures

Karma (Comes Back Around)

(almost) Wordless Weekend

Bag Lady

Just Like You

Misery, Pain & Hunger

Stone In My Shoe

(almost) Wordless Weekend

Oops... I Did It Again

Wishin' and Hopin'

Yum Yum

Date Bait

Dancing Queen

Wordless Weekend

Baby You've Been On My Mind

You Might Recall (Updated)

Peace Is Just A Word

Lazy Days

Recipe

Billion Dollar Babies

I've Come For My Award

New Year's Resolution

What's Going On

It's Not Over Until It's Over

More Than A Feeling

Christmas Time Is Here

100 Stories

Tick, Tick, Tick

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

Wordless Wednesday

Little Martha

Christmas Is Coming

Celebrate and Party

Minor Threat

The Great Debate

Undercover Funny

Glitter and Be Gay

Dancing With Danger

**My Apologies**

Players Holiday

Make Yourself Comfortable

Turkey Chase

Shopping Spree

I Will Give Thanks

Smart Girls

A Change (Would Do You Good)

Pop Quiz

'Tis the Season

Baby, Now That I've Found You

Our Lips Are Sealed

Let's Go To the Mall

Volvo Driving Soccer Mom

Forgetful Lucy

Food, Glorious Food

My Apologies